


Drops In a Bucket

by Emmyjean



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015), Star Wars Episode VII: The Last Jedi
Genre: Ben is besieged, F/M, Force Bond (Star Wars), Force Ghosts, Inappropriate Use of the Force, Kylo Ren Redemption, Renperor, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-19
Updated: 2018-10-30
Packaged: 2019-02-17 09:45:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 15
Words: 35,401
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13074270
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Emmyjean/pseuds/Emmyjean
Summary: After the Battle of Crait, Kylo Ren - the new Supreme Leader of the Galaxy - finds himself haunted in more ways than one. By one presence he never wanted to see again, and one that he would do anything to keep seeing.





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> I don't really know where I'm going with this yet, but I knew if I didn't at least post a bit of it, it wouldn't go anywhere. So, here you go - Force-Ghost Luke and Force-Bond Rey tag-teaming poor Ben Solo/Kylo Ren. The man can't get a moment's peace.

Kylo Ren’s chest heaved as his fury abated, from the storm that had consumed him a moment ago to the steady burn that was perpetually inside of him. A lump welled up in his throat and he rested his forehead against the dented, bloodstained wall, allowing himself just a moment to think about her.

The image of her face, floating through his mind’s eye, tear-streaked and crushed, hurt worse than the throbbing pain of his broken knuckles.

“I’m sure the maintenance droids love you.”

Kylo whirled around to find himself face to face with a very non-corporeal Luke Skywalker. He was sitting casually at Kylo’s console table, one ankle crossed over his knee, eyeing the wall Kylo had just pummeled with a sort of disapproving smirk. Kylo felt the fury he’d just vented onto the wall bubble up in him again, red and scorching. He instinctively reached out to call his weapon. It flew into his hand and he had ignited it before his brain even registered what he was doing.

His uncle merely raised a brow, nodding at the crackling red saber, and said mildly, “That thing’ll work about as well against me now as it did last time we met. You might as well switch off.”

“Get out!” Kylo snarled viciously, refusing to disengage even though he knew his uncle was right. Luke glanced at the door and shook his head. 

“Keep your voice down, Ben. You’re in charge now, you’ve got to at least pretend to be in control.”

Kylo saw that his uncle had no intention of being bullied out of the room and lowered his lightsaber, flicking it off as he narrowed his eyes and observed flatly, “You’re dead.”

“What gave it away?”

He ignored Luke’s attempt at humor and went on, “It was the projection, wasn’t it? It was too much for you.”

Skywalker shrugged and replied, “Well, I’m old.”

“You mean you _were_ old,” Kylo said, his jaw clenched, “Now you’re dust.”

Luke smiled wistfully and said, “Bodies turn to dust. But beyond the physical realm, luminous beings are we. And so here I am.”

Kylo stared, uncomprehending, and demanded, “What do you want?”

Leaning back and crossing his arms, Skywalker looked him in the eye and said, “I think the question you should be asking is, what do _you_ want?”

Kylo growled and turned his back on him, stalking to the fresher.

“You always answer questions with more questions. I hated it back then, and I hate it now.”

“You hate it because you’re impatient. You want someone else to give you answers. That was always your weakness.”

Kylo felt his lip curl into a sneer as he replied, “Your death doesn’t change the fact that I don’t, and never have, cared about anything you have to say.”

“How do you know? I haven’t said everything I have to say yet.”

Snorting derisively, Kylo said, “I thought you said you weren’t trying to save my soul.”

Shrugging again, Luke’s Force ghost said thoughtfully, “Well, I wasn’t. That day. Today, maybe I am.”

“My soul isn’t your concern.”

“Not my concern, right. Whose concern is it, then? You’ve given up on it. You’ve worn your mother down to a point where she has no hope left. So, who does that leave, Ben?” Luke asked before eyeing him shrewdly and murmuring, “Rey?”

Kylo froze, every muscle in his body tensing at the sound of her name. Turning, he locked eyes with Skywalker and found the latter staring back with a knowing glint. Kylo clenched his hands at his sides.

“She’s nothing.”

Luke raised his chin a notch before replying, “It’s a shame you think so, because you certainly mean something to her. Or at least...you did. Who knows, now?”

Kylo felt it again - the gut-wrenching pain, sluicing through his insides as he recalled her words to him just before he hauled her in front of Snoke to be taunted and tortured.

_You’ll turn. I’ll help you._

He knew he couldn’t do anything about his ethereal visitor. Couldn’t make him budge, couldn’t throw him out, couldn’t have him arrested - couldn’t stop him from spewing out whatever sentimental, retroactive drivel he wanted him to hear.

But he didn’t have to sit quietly and allow Skywalker to torture him by talking about _her_.

“I have no interest in listening to the regrets of a dead man,” Kylo insisted coldly as he went into the fresher to violently grab his last few bacta patches out of his cabinet. The blood was already starting to congeal. When he turned to come back out, he sucked in a breath at the sight of Skywalker, who had rematerialized in the doorway, blocking his path.

“You know, she attacked me.”

Kylo was startled at the revelation, but managed to keep the emotion off of his face as he retorted, “I understand the urge.”

Skywalker had the nerve to laugh, the smile breaking across his grizzled face and allowing a brief glimpse at the young, enthusiastic farm boy he had once been. 

“Well, I’m sure there are several people in the galaxy who would agree. But really, you should have seen her - she was incensed at the idea that I tried to harm you. She clobbered me right in the back. Not the most honorable move, but…”

Kylo felt his throat close, choking him as he pictured her, enraged and spurred to action on his behalf and so damn beautiful. It felt like a wompa was sitting on his chest, and he suddenly found himself dangerously close to asking Luke to tell him more - to describe her face, her movements, her voice. To ask him if she’d used the name ‘Ben’ as she’d demanded her answers.

But he would die before he’d ask Luke Skywalker for a bedtime story. 

“I told you,” he whispered threateningly instead, even though he was powerless against a spirit, “Nothing you could say would interest me.”

Luke’s mouth quirked into a shadow of a smile, sad and knowing, as he replied quietly, “And yet...here we are, and you’ve been speaking with me for several long, loaded minutes. Strange, isn’t it?”

With that, he disappeared and left Kylo alone in the cold darkness of his quarters. 

~~

He had fourteen hours of peace before he was again visited. Only this time, it wasn’t his uncle who tore into his life - it was Rey.

He was sitting in a chair in the captain’s quarters of the Supremacy, trying to reprogram a holopad, when he felt the telltale stilling of the world around him, as though he’d been sucked into a separate plane of existence.

His heart leapt shamefully and he dropped the holopad with an embarrassing clutter as he shot to his feet and looked around for her. It wasn’t long before he caught sight of her, standing in the corner of the room, looking back at him with a stricken expression on her face. 

He’d wondered if their connection still lived, and he felt nothing short of dizzy with relief that it did. He didn’t know what to say, so he simply blurted out the first thing that came to his mind, the result of long hours without sleep as he revisited her time on the Supremacy over and over again in an act of self-flagellation.

“Snoke was lying. He didn’t forge this. He couldn’t have.”

She blinked, setting down what he realized was a cup of caf, and didn’t reply. Panic gripped him as he considered maybe she intended to ignore him completely. He couldn’t allow that. Swallowing, he went on,

“The Force is what bound us together. It had nothing to do with him. He only said that to weaken me...to weaken _us_.”

“The Force binds everything and everyone,” she replied dismissively, looking away from him, and he quickly argued,

“Not like this. This is different. You must see that - _feel_ that.”

She remained still, contemplating, before schooling her features and asking, “How do _you_ feel? Being the new uncontested ruler of the galaxy?”

Her words carried no venom - just melancholy and disappointment. Her voice was thick with it. It felt like she was crushing his ribcage under the weight of it.

“I want nothing more than to set things right,” he rasped.

“You can’t rid the galaxy of corruption by heading a corrupt regime.”

“I wasn’t talking about the galaxy.”

She looked up then, startled. They stared into each other’s eyes for a long moment, and when the silence had stretched longer than he could bear, he asked softly,

“Tell me what to do.”

He saw the tears fill her eyes before she replied, “I can’t. I tried. You have to forge your own path, Ben.”

The sound of his birth name from her lips made him shudder, and he closed his eyes. 

Finally, he managed to whisper, “I don’t know how.”

She didn’t answer. When he opened his eyes again, he found that she had gone.

~~

That night, when he walked into his quarters, he stopped short at the sight of his uncle invading his space yet again. Kylo allowed the door to slide shut before barking,

"What?"

Luke raised his brows and said, "If this is the way you greet all your visitors, it's no wonder you're lonely."

"Who said I'm lonely?"

Luke didn't reply, but the look he gave him said everything. Kylo chucked the datapad he'd been carrying at the wall, somewhat dissatisfied that it didn't break and instead clunked undramatically to the floor, and demanded, "Why are you back here? What do you _want_ from me?"

"Nothing. I'm dead. What could I possibly want?"

"Then why won't you leave me ALONE?"

"Is that what you really want? To be alone?"

Kylo paused for one second too long, Rey's face flashing into his thoughts at Luke's question. As though sensing he'd broken through a bit, Luke nodded and said,

"I'm betting you don't. Maybe I'm not the company you prefer, but...I hope to get to the point where you find me better than nothing."

"Don't hold your breath," Kylo gritted out, thoroughly worn out and emotionally drained.

Luke smiled and said, "Well, I can't, can I? As you relish pointing out - I'm dead."

He was gone again before Kylo could respond.

If this was going to be what his life was like from now on, Kylo thought fleetingly before slamming his fist into the doorframe, he was going to need to requisition more bacta patches.


	2. Chapter Two

“After you left, none of us were ever able to get close to you again. To say the things you needed to hear.”

Kylo gasped loudly as he shot up in bed, heart pounding at the sudden interruption of the precious little sleep he was managing to catch. He bared his teeth at his uncle, who was sitting on the foot of his bed.

“Can’t you at least time your interruptions better?” he snapped, futilely kicking out with his foot at Luke’s side and only growing more frustrated as he was reminded, once again, that he had no physical power over him at all.

Luke glanced at him, taken aback, and then looked around and rolled his eyes, “Oh, right. Sorry. Time is sort of a fluid concept for me these days.”

“Don’t you have anything better to do with your...afterlife?” Kylo complained, scrubbing at his face with both hands and trying to remember if he’d taken something to help him sleep. He felt extremely groggy, more so than he should even having just been unceremoniously woken up.

“Not really, no,” his uncle replied, then frowned around the room and said, “And you’re one to lecture me on wasting time. I’m counting two and a half empty bottles of - is that Andoan wine?”

Kylo suddenly remembered what he’d done with the previous evening, and groaned. He’d opened a bottle of wine, something he hadn’t indulged in for ages - since he was a boy, really - and had sat in his quarters, waiting. Dreading another visit from Skywalker. 

Hoping that she would come to him again. He had no idea what to say to her anymore, but it didn’t matter. He needed to see her.

As the hours, and wine, ran down - and another bottle opened, then another as he attempted to calm his frayed nerves and stave off the despair that constantly licked at his heels - he’d sunk further and further into numbness until finally, fully clothed and with his boots still on, he collapsed onto his bed and passed out.

It had been so long since he’d gotten drunk, he hadn’t remembered how it made him feel when he woke up the next day. If it even _was_ the next day.

“What time is it?” Kylo demanded, pinching the bridge of his nose.

“I told you, I have no idea.”

“You really are as useless to me now as you were when you were alive!” Kylo snarled viciously and without much warning, tearing himself out of bed.

Skywalker had the good grace to flinch at that, and then he slowly shook his head and said, “There it is, Ben. The thing that’s always kept you from realizing your true potential, from connecting with your own soul. That _anger_.”

“The anger was all I had,” he shot back, reaching for the water at his bedside, “It made me powerful. And it was a damn sight better than the pain.”

“Snoke made you _believe_ it was all you had, he cultivated it inside you. He saw your pain and played on it...”

"Stop," Kylo growled, his fingers tightening on the glass, "I don't need to hear this from you. It's in the past, it's dead."

"You need to face it, what he did to you. Confront it. If you don't, it'll always hang over you, like a cloud. It'll color all your decisions and drive you further and further into this hole you've dug for yourself..."

"I _did_ confront it!" Kylo roared, wanting nothing more than for his uncle to disappear and leave him in peace to be miserable on his own terms, "I killed Snoke, it's finished! It's _over_!"

"Killing Snoke doesn't kill his influence over you, Ben. You must see that. It's what Rey was trying to..."

With a guttural howl, Kylo hurled the glass he’d been holding at the wall. It hit with a deafening crash, shattering into shards, and he rounded on his uncle and screamed,

“Don't you _dare_ talk to me about her! You have no right to try and use her against me after everything you did to try and poison her opinion of me!"

Luke frowned, seemingly puzzled, and repeated, "Poison her? She flew into the belly of the beast to find you when she left Ahch-To, Ben. If she has a bad opinion of you, it's because of what you did afterwards."

"I told you," he said menacingly, "We're done talking about her, or anything else. Now _GET OUT_!”

With a deflated look, Skywalker surprisingly complied, and Kylo was left panting with rage in his wake. He clenched and unclenched his fists, trying to regain control, hating himself for losing it in the first place. Again. He had to be better, he had to…

As if the Force was out to punish him, his connection to Rey sprung up unexpectedly right after Luke’s exit, as though she had heard her name and was trying to answer. He spun around, looking for her, but couldn’t see her anywhere. Frowning, he stumbled into the main room of his quarters and stopped short in the doorway.

She was sitting, eating, obviously talking with someone else. She apparently hadn’t noticed that the bond had flared up, which gave him the opportunity to just sit and watch her for a few moments. She had no manners as she ate, put on no airs - she talked with her mouth full, scarfing her food as though it would be her last meal. Ate with her hands instead of utensils. Licked her fingers and laughed at whatever the other person was telling her. Her eyes were bright and her laughter - he’d never heard it before.

He wanted to be enraged that she seemed fine while he was falling apart. He wanted to feel murderous toward whoever it was that was beside her, graced with her company while he was denied. Instead, he felt himself give way to despair as he considered that he would never make her laugh. He’d never share a meal with her. He’d never have that chance. 

He _should_ have had that chance. He would have plied her with whatever exotic things she wanted to taste, would have given her anything she asked for, even if it meant flying the entire First Order fleet to the farthest reaches of the galaxy to get it. He would have reveled in her excitement, would have watched with reverent awe as she discovered new flavors and textures. He would have shared his own favorites with her - would have brought them to her lips with his own trembling fingers. They might have shared that wine he had overindulged in the night before, would have maybe laughed together - he wondered if she’d ever been intoxicated before. Maybe that would have been another first he could have shared with her - not the first, or the last.

And when that contented, wine-soaked sleepiness began to wash over them both, he would have taken her to bed with him. 

That future was lost to him now, and all he wanted to do was sink back into the blackness of sleep.

Shaking with grief, he silently retreated without engaging with her, his head pounding and his stomach sick as the sound of her laughter rang in his ears. She was obviously enjoying her meal - he couldn’t share in her enjoyment, but he also didn’t have to make his presence known and ruin it.

Unfortunately, after he’d lain down and closed his eyes, he received a reminder that ignoring a Force bond wasn’t exactly something that was simple to do when Rey’s quiet voice broke through the silence of the room.

“Are we just not speaking now?”

He flung an arm over his eyes and swallowed. “I don’t know what to say to you.”

She was silent for so long that he thought maybe the connection had closed, but then she spoke again.

“If you’d known I wasn’t going to go with you...would you still have done it? Would you still have killed Snoke?”

He almost smiled. She was right back to coming at him with the hard questions, trying to make use of the bond to deepen her understanding of him. Trying to make sense of the monster that she couldn’t shake out of her life.

Instead of giving her an answer, he replied, “Does it matter?”

“It should,” she insisted, “It should matter to you. You should be trying to understand why you chose to…”

“Can I ask you something?” he interrupted, cutting her off. She hesitated, then asked,

“What?”

Pulling his arm away from his eyes and sitting up, he finally looked at her. Her hair was down - he hadn’t noticed before. Drawing a breath, he stood and moved closer to her, watching her breathing quicken as he neared. He imagined it was probably from anxiety, but chose to pretend it was for other reasons as he gazed down into her eyes.

“Have you ever had a Ryshcate?”

She frowned, confused, and asked, “A ryshcate? Is that...what, like a...a medical thing?”

He did smile then, with soft fondness, and corrected gently, “It’s a cake. From Corellia.”

She blinked up at him and replied, “No...why are you asking?”

He raised a hand unthinkingly as if to touch her, then dropped it again at his side when he remembered it wouldn't be welcome even if he could do it again.

“Because it’s my favorite,” he whispered, “And I think you’d like it.”

The bond closed before she could reply, and he was once again left alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I still don't really know where I'm going with this, so these chapters are relatively short. If and when I get a clear direction, they should be more fully-formed. Until then, thanks for reading!


	3. Chapter Three

“Supreme Leader, I must insist that you turn your attention to the forces currently serving in the M’shinni sector. Their equipment hasn’t been updated in months and communication is spotty. We need to send technical droids as soon as possible,” Hux insisted. Every time he used Kylo’s title to address him, he used a tone that was distinctly mocking.

Kylo rubbed his temple and replied, “I thought the military was your purview, Hux.”

“Ah, but you’ve got the top job now,” Luke piped up from where he was sitting directly next to him and entirely too close to his ear, “Everything is your purview.”

“Supreme Leader, you…”

“Go away!”

Hux stopped short, his expression nothing short of mortally offended as he said, “You summoned me in here! I was merely…”

“I wasn’t talking to you!” Kylo snapped, and watched as Hux’s face morphed into a mask of almost comical confusion.

“I _beg_ your pardon?”

Growling in frustration, Kylo shot to his feet, so overwhelmed that he couldn’t even take any satisfaction in the fact that Hux backed up a couple of steps in alarm.

“Hux, you head the First Order’s military forces. Go and do your job, and don’t bring me problems that you should be able to solve for yourself.”

“But…”

“Dismissed.”

Hux straightened his back and for a moment, Kylo thought he was going to continue to argue. In the end, he didn’t, whirling around and stalking out of Kylo’s presence in obvious displeasure. Kylo sighed in relief once he was gone, and then frowned as he remembered the other annoying entity currently sharing his space.

“Looks like you’re definitely making progress,” Luke commented, sarcasm dripping from his words, “Your men seem to love you.”

“I’m not interested in how they feel about me, as long as they obey my orders.”

“Ah, but one leads to the other, Ben. A leader who’s hated is always ripe for assassination or mutiny,” Luke pointed out, then eyed the doorway that Hux had just disappeared through and added, “Especially when you’re antagonizing the guy who heads up the military.”

“I didn’t ask for advice!” Kylo barked, stalking to the viewport and wishing his headache - and his uncle - would go away.

“No, that’s true. But you do need it.”

“Not from you.”

“Well, I don’t see anyone else lining up to offer you any.”

Sighing, Kylo leaned his forehead against the cool transparisteel and squeezed his eyes shut, all of his energy abruptly leaving him. He felt exhausted.

“All I want is to be left alone.”

For once, Luke was quiet, drawing out the silence before he spoke. His tone was soft, gentle, when he finally did.

“I only want what I’ve always wanted for you, Ben. For you to be who you were born to be.”

Ben huffed softly, horrified at the tightening of his throat, and rasped, “I’m Supreme Leader. What else could I possibly accomplish?”

“I’m not talking about any of that,” Luke protested quietly, moving closer, “I’m talking about _you_.”

“Well, I don’t know what that means,” Ben said, turning to face his uncle and finding his large eyes almost too hard to meet, “I don’t know what I was born to be. I thought...when I killed Snoke, I thought…”

“I know, Ben. I know,” Luke nodded sadly, “And that’s as much our fault as it was Snoke’s. We focused too much on what you were, instead of who you were. We weighed you down with all our hopes and fears, and eventually you cracked. Anybody would have.”

“No, I didn’t crack,” Kylo shot back, his anger returning to him, “ _You_ cracked.”

“Ben…”

“Stop calling me that!” Kylo raged, his control slipping away as he remembered who he had become, and who he was speaking to, “You wanted to murder Ben Solo that night, and you did!”

“Ben, it was a mistake. The worst I ever made.”

Kylo fisted his hands at his sides, squeezing his eyes shut again, and said, “Sometimes I wish you had just followed through. But you even failed at that.”

He watched as his words struck Skywalker like a physical blow, and considered that maybe it was possible to wound a ghost after all.

“Well, you’re right about the failure part. But an old friend recently reminded me that failure is the best teacher, and that’s why I’m here now.”

“What? To add insult to injury?” Kylo sneered, and Luke shook his head.

“No. To try and teach you that same lesson.”

“What makes you think I have any intention of listening to you?”

Luke shrugged, raised his brows and said, “I figure if I keep talking, you have no choice but to hear me. And maybe one day, you’ll start listening.”

Kylo stared at him for a few long seconds before he muttered, “I think I hate you more than I ever have.”

His uncle’s face was melancholy but resigned as he nodded and replied, “I’m sure that’s true. But it doesn’t matter. Whether you hate me or not isn’t the point. The point is you’re my nephew, and I love you.”

The words were like a blaster bolt to the chest. Kylo faltered, his breath catching, and when he turned his head, he found that his uncle had gone.

He stood there for a long, long time before he felt composed enough to move.

~~

It was two days before he was visited again, and in those two days, he spiraled. His uncle’s words had burrowed their way into his brain and, unable to stop his mind from repeating them endlessly, he turned his conflict and turmoil into violence.

The tally was currently two severely injured stormtroopers, five smashed consoles, three blown-out doors, a maimed medical droid and a furious General Hux.

He couldn’t bring himself to care. He was too busy trying not to care about all the other things.

He was shaving on the morning of the second day when the thing he was trying not to care about the most popped up in his fresher. 

“Oh, sorry,” she muttered upon seeing his state of half-undress and the shaving cream on his face. His lip curled and he snapped,

“Perfect timing, as always.”

“What happened to your hands?”

He stilled, glancing at the reflection of his bandaged knuckles in the mirror, and replied flatly, “I hit things when I’m angry. And I’m angry a lot.”

She was silent for a moment, then said quietly, “You should find another way to cope.”

“Should I?” he spat, rounding on her, “Do you have any suggestions?”

She seemed taken aback by his foul mood. Frowning, she said, “You know, I didn’t ask for this, either!”

“Yeah, I know,” he snarled, splashing water on his face and toweling off before chucking the towel across the room, “I’m sure it’s a real inconvenience to you, having to keep talking to me when you’d clearly rather be talking to anybody else in the galaxy!”

She narrowed her eyes and began, “What the hell are you…?”

“Which one of your rebel scum friends is your favorite?” he taunted, his voice cruel. He knew he was pushing her but he couldn’t seem to stop himself, he was so wound up and emotionally raw, the sight of her face lit up with laughter having not left his mind’s eye since the moment he’d witnessed it. Now she was looking at him like he was unhinged, and it tore him up inside. So he did the only thing he could do - acted the part.

He drew closer to her and said, “Tell me, so I know which one to kill first when I find you.”

Her scowl deepened, her anger laced with hurt now, and he went on, “The traitor? Ah, maybe the pilot? Do they all fall all over themselves trying to impress you? Do they fawn over you like salivating dogs on a piece of fresh meat?”

Her eyes flashed and she surged forward, her teeth bared in anger, as she yelled, “You’re a loathsome pig!”

“Am I?” he asked, breathing heavily as she came closer to him than she’d been since before he’d destroyed everything, “Go on, tell me - how you’re horrified at the things I’ve done, how you despise me!”

Her mouth snapped shut and her eyes changed - and there it was. A flash of pity. 

It only enraged him further. He got right in her face and said, softly and menacingly, “Go on, Rey. Tell me you hate me.”

She remained silent, and he prodded her, “Say it.”

Still, she said nothing. His tenuous control snapped like a dried out twig, and he bellowed, “SAY IT!”

She flinched, but didn’t back away. Lifting her chin a fraction of an inch, she responded, “Actually, your mother is my favorite.”

It was like she’d thrown a bucket of ice water on him, and he expelled his breath in a sharp gasp as he leaned back, away from her. She wasn’t finished, though.

“And by the way, I tried a Ryshcate. It was the best thing I’ve ever tasted.”

Stricken and feeling the cold tentacles of shame worming their way into his gut, he struggled to think of something to say to her that would erase this entire encounter. That would erase everything.

“Rey…”

She shook her head, then turned her back on him.

“Save your breath.”

“Rey, I’m…”

“I said _save your breath!_ ” she snapped suddenly - and then she was gone, as though her anger itself had short-circuited the connection.

He stood silently for a moment as sickening waves of self-loathing and the ever-present anger washed over him. He turned, ready to put his fist through the mirror - but something in his reflection stilled him. He stared at his face, twisted and red, and thought about how he must have looked to her. Screaming in her face, hurling words like barbs. Knuckles wrapped in bandages because his first instinct is always to destroy.

A monster.

He lowered his fist, then lowered his head and closed his eyes. 

He was so damn tired.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to all who have left kudos and comments - you're the best, and I'm having fun writing this!


	4. Chapter Four

Kylo went about the next few days wallowing in a deep depression. It wasn’t new to him by any means, but previously he had been allowed to simply retreat to the silent darkness of his quarters to cope - now that he was Supreme Leader, that wasn’t an option, and the constant demands on his time were only prolonging his misery.

It didn’t help that neither Rey nor Luke were anywhere to be seen. As far as Skywalker went, it made Kylo hope that perhaps he’d cooled on the idea of - whatever it was he was trying to accomplish, and would leave him alone moving forward. He wasn’t holding out _much_ hope, but there was always a slim chance.

However, the possibility that his bond with Rey had somehow been severed or damaged by the depth of either his callousness or her anger was tearing him apart more and more the longer her absence went on. Each day felt like a decade, and eventually he found that it was all he could focus on - even though it only made his depression worse.

He was in the middle of trying to slog through a security briefing when their bond flared up at last, on the evening of the third day. He shot to his feet, his heart leaping into his throat as he locked eyes with her, and the room fell into an uneasy silence.

He could do little more than stare at her for a few long, awkward seconds as everyone eyed him warily, including her.

“The meeting is adjourned. We’ll pick it up again tomorrow.”

Startled, the generals watched as he stalked to the door, tilting his head as innocuously as he could and praying that she would understand that he wanted her to follow him. Hux unfortunately yet predictably stood as well, chasing after him and sputtering,

“Supreme Leader, we’ve barely gotten through _half_ of the items on the itinerary…”

“I said we’d reconvene tomorrow.”

“Most of the generals are operating on a limited amount of time! They were meant to return to their posts immediately following the briefing!”

“See to it that they are given temporary quarters for the night.”

“Ren…”

“Am I not making myself clear?” Kylo growled, rounding on Hux and stepping into his personal space, his adrenaline spiking as he caught sight of Rey out of the corner of his eye, lingering hesitantly as she watched his half of the conversation play out, “I have other commitments that take priority.”

“Priority?” Hux repeated incredulously, his face a mask of offended fury, “What could possibly take priority over a briefing at this level?”

“I determine what is and isn't your business, Hux,” he said menacingly, “I suggest you remember that, moving forward. Now, go see to the accommodations as I ordered.”

Hux was about as Force-sensitive as a fish, but his hatred was so strong that it bled through the Force anyway. Kylo couldn’t care less, though, as he gave Rey a beseeching look and turned to continue to his quarters. Halfway there, he decided that it was too far to walk - he was afraid the connection would shut before he had a chance to speak to her. On a whim, he pivoted and led her into an empty maintenance closet of some kind. 

It didn’t matter, she couldn’t see his surroundings anyway. It was a tight fit, even though she wasn’t really there.

As soon as the door shut, he spun to face her. She, however, was the one that got in the first word.

“We need to find out how to sever this.”

It felt like she’d slapped him in the face. He frowned and asked tersely, “Why?”

“What do you mean, why? Do you want to go on like this? Never knowing when the connection is going to open, never knowing what the other person might overhear or…see?”

“What are you talking about?”

She seemed inexplicably flustered as she gestured vaguely behind him and explained, “You just had to cut short something important, apparently, because you couldn’t speak freely with me loitering around!”

“That’s not why I did it!” he protested loudly, so unbelievably stung by the idea that she wanted to break their bond that he forgot to curb himself, “I wanted to be sure we had an opportunity to talk before the connection cut us off.”

She blinked, obviously taken aback, and then said with a frightening level of finality, “We shouldn’t even be talking in the first place. This should never have happened.”

“But it did,” he interrupted, his tone more desperate than he wanted it to sound, “Doesn’t that mean something to you?”

She shook her head, “I thought it meant something. I was wrong.”

He lifted his chin and felt the all-too-familiar anger blossom in his chest as he snapped, “Why? Because I didn’t let you whisk me off on my dead father’s rust-bucket of a ship?” 

Her eyes shot to his then and she growled, “Don’t you dare…”

“How did you think that was going to go, Rey?” he asked mockingly, leaning down to her eye level, “Did you think they were going to welcome me with open arms? Did you really believe they wouldn’t have executed me on sight?”

“Leia would never have let them!”

“Is that what you really believe?” he shot back, incensed and hurt and beyond caring, “She’s the one who sent me away in the first place because she couldn’t stand the sight of me!”

“That’s not true!”

“Have you asked her, or are you just assuming?”

He saw tears spring to her eyes as she changed tactics, insisting vehemently, “ _I_ wouldn’t have let them, then.”

His lip curled as his tangle of emotions tripped him up yet again - he hadn’t meant for the conversation to go this way, but his words tumbled out unchecked as she inadvertently poked at the place where he hurt the most. The place that he wasn’t sure would ever heal, no matter what he did.

“No. You’re no different than any of them. The second your tidy little plan for me started to fall through, you ran away and left me for dead,” he choked out, and then felt his insides wither in shame as her expression changed from defiant to horrified. 

He was giving too much away, going to dark places that he hadn’t meant to go. He couldn’t afford to lay himself bare like this, especially not to her. He couldn’t afford to let her know just how much her rejection had destroyed him.

She opened her mouth to speak and he quickly cut her off, careful to keep the emotion out of his voice as he promised, “I’ll do the research. If there’s a way to sever this, I’ll find it.” 

“Ben…”

“Don’t call me that,” he warned quietly, and then turned away from her and out of the closet, for once not caring if she followed.

Later that night, as he lay on his bed staring at the ceiling and trying not to feel anything, he felt the presence of Skywalker in the room. Before the other man could say anything, Kylo murmured,

“I don’t care if you sit there all night, just don’t talk. Not tonight. Please.”

Kylo heard him draw a breath, braced himself for the inevitable dressing down or stream of unwanted council - but it didn’t come. For once, his uncle remained silent.

But he did sit there until, exhausted and emotionally drained, Kylo finally fell into a fitful sleep.

 

~~

“I’m sorry.”

He opened his eyes to find his uncle gone, and Rey at his bedside. For a moment he thought she might be a dream, but as sleep ebbed away, he could see that she was real. 

As real as she could ever be, to him. 

He blinked, wondering vaguely what time it was, and then her words registered. She was speaking again before he could work up enough brainpower to respond.

“For what it’s worth,” she admitted, her voice barely above a whisper and her eyes shining, “I _wanted_ to take your hand. So badly it frightened me. That’s why I ran away.”

His heart stuttered and he slowly sat up, never relinquishing her eyes and letting the silence drag on as he struggled to come up with something to say. Some words that would adequately express what it meant to him to hear her say that. Finally, all he could rasp out was,

“I wish I could touch you.”

He watched as she gave a small shudder, and it sent a jolt of electricity through him to think that maybe she wished that, too. After a moment, she brought her hand up, her fingers outstretched. Slowly, excruciatingly slowly, she placed her hand on the side of his face.

They both gasped as they felt the contact, warm and real and solid. He didn’t have time to theorize on how it was possible, on the extent of it or whether or not this was unprecedented. All he could do was feel - and his skin _burned_ beneath her touch.

Her hand shook and he felt a shock of panic at the thought of her pulling away and disappearing again. Spurred into action, he brought his hand up to cover hers before impulsively turning his head and pressing his lips into her palm. She exhaled sharply as her thumb stroked his cheek, their breathing the only sound permeating the delicate silence in the room. They remained like that, frozen and unwilling to let the moment go, for what seemed like an eternity.

It was also over far too quickly. As it always did, the connection was broken without warning, leaving him cold and more alone than he’d ever felt. 

He didn’t sleep again after that, staring into the darkness of his quarters and silently begging the Force to bring her back to him, stroking his own face as the ghost of her touch refused to fade away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apparently I like to ring in the New Year with an angst-fest. I mean, what better way? This chapter is a little brief, sorry, but the next one will feature a lot more of Luke, so it'll hopefully be a bit more substantial. Thanks for reading, and I hope everyone had a safe holiday!


	5. Chapter Five

Physical contact had been a mistake. It had led to ruin the first time, when he’d let himself reach out and touch her hand, and it was worse now. So much worse.

It was absurd, in many ways - she’d only just come into his life, and yet every day it got harder to face his future without her. The vision he’d seen of them together had lit a fire inside him, and by the time it became clear that it wasn’t meant to be, he’d already bet his soul on it. Meanwhile that fire was still raging, and he didn't know how to put it out before it consumed him. He didn't know that he _wanted_ to put it out.

He should hate her for what she’d ripped from him when she left him for dead in the wreckage of Snoke’s throne room, but he didn’t. Every wound she inflicted on him - external or internal - only made him more desperate for her. Snoke had been right - he was weak.

“Whatever you’re thinking, you’re wrong.”

He pulled his hands away from his face to find his uncle staring back at him. Kylo sighed - he didn’t even have it in him to be annoyed.

“Am I?” he asked tiredly, rubbing his eyes with one hand, “How would you know what I’m thinking?”

“You were always terrible at guarding your feelings. Too impatient, too prone to extremes, fits of temper...”

“Is this going somewhere?” Kylo asked.

“You were sensitive,” Luke said, his voice almost fond, “You still are. Too sensitive, ruled by your emotions. You're still making decisions based on your emotions, and they're only going to get you hurt. They already have.”

“It doesn't matter anymore,” he interrupted quietly, not wanting to rehash all the ways he’d always failed everybody. Again.

Luke eyed him searchingly and asked, “What do you mean, _anymore_?”

Kylo didn’t answer. He hadn’t meant to be so transparent. Apparently these little visits were wearing him down. After a long moment, Luke sighed and muttered,

“I don’t like this apathy, Ben. I think I’d rather deal with your temper. At least that showed that you cared about something.”

Rey’s face flashed through his mind and he snapped, “And where has that ever gotten me?”

His uncle shrugged and pointed out, “Well, you rule the galaxy. Technically.”

Ben rolled his neck impatiently as he stood up and turned his back on the conversation. After a few minutes of being pointedly ignored, Luke ventured, 

“You know, you wouldn’t be the first person in history to find that power isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. You could always just...go.”

Kylo turned his head to glare at his uncle and said, “Go? Go _where?_ ”

“Anywhere you want. You could make a new life for yourself.”

He wanted to scoff at the naive simplicity of that advice, but his heart - ever the traitor - clenched at the thought of it. Of freedom...of letting it all go.

Well, almost all of it. There were some things that he knew would be with him forever, whether he liked it or not. He swallowed, hard, and retorted,

“Not everyone can just disappear when things get difficult.”

Luke winced slightly at the jab, but recovered quickly and replied, “Every step of a journey leads to the next step, Ben, and what you learn along the way is what determines where you end up.”

Kylo rolled his eyes and said, “Thanks for the unsolicited advice. Can you go now?”

“Sure,” Luke drawled, then added, “But think about what I said.”

Kylo didn’t respond, but thankfully he was alone by the time he turned back around. Sighing and raising his eyes to the ceiling, he clenched his fists and tried to actively push his uncle’s words from his head where they reverberated around like an echo. He was unfocused enough as it was - it would do him no good to indulge in notions that were ultimately nothing more than fantasy.

No matter how much he secretly wished he could.

 

~~

His resolve on that front was severely tested the next time he was faced with Rey. He sat in his quarters reading, his fingers ghosting around the rim of an ill-advised late cup of caf that was balanced precariously on his knee. The hairs on his arms stood up as he felt the bond open and, when he glanced up, he barely even registered the sound of the mug hitting the floor.

She sat across from him, looking back at him from eyes that had been painted with charcoal. Her hair fell in soft, glossy waves across her shoulders and she was wearing a dress that looked like it was made just for her. She was modest, understated - and the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen.

When several minutes had passed without him managing to get any words past the lump in his throat, she began to squirm uncomfortably and tug at the dress.

“Don’t worry, I feel every bit as ridiculous as I must look,” she grumbled.

Finally, he managed to rasp, “What's it for?”

“A wedding,” she shrugged, a little bit of the defensiveness leaving her tone, “Life goes on, even during a war.”

He took a breath and allowed his eyes to wander, following her curves down to her feet - Force, her toes were painted, too - and slowly back up to her face before he replied mindlessly, “Does it?”

If she noticed the hunger in his eyes as he looked at her, she didn't let on and in that moment, he didn't care. He couldn't think, could barely breathe. He'd always thought she was beautiful, but this - he felt his face grow hot and his blood rush to places that would leave him extremely embarrassed if he didn't get control of himself quickly. He wanted to tear that dress off of her, wanted to kiss and lick and bite his way down her body so badly that his hands shook with the intensity of it. He wanted to know what she tasted like, wanted her to taste him in return. He wanted _her_ to want it, too.

He'd never had such a visceral reaction to her or anybody else before, and he visibly struggled to tamp it down. He never should have let himself touch her again, never should have allowed himself to put his lips anywhere near her. He was weak, foolish...and completely enraptured.

Her brows furrowed as she noticed his distress, asking gently, “Are you okay?”

He shook his head slowly and let his eyes slide closed as he began to pour his heart out, rambling like a fool who had no idea how to say what he wanted to say.

“The Ryshcate - they eat it on Corellia to commemorate special occasions. Han Solo was Corellian. Every year without fail, no matter what he was doing or where he was in the galaxy, he’d come back to bring me Ryshcate for my birthday. Until I was sent away.”

He felt her surprise through the Force, that he would bring his father up at all - that the memory he shared would be so tender. She didn’t speak, surely sensing there was a point to telling this story, and he took a steadying breath before continuing, 

“I haven’t eaten it in years. It hurts too much - it just reminds me of the things I’ve lost," he confessed, opening his eyes and holding her gaze as he finished, “That’s what it feels like to look at you. And that dress doesn’t help.”

She looked stricken, her eyes filling with tears. She swiped at them, heedless of the charcoal in her guilelessness, smudging it beyond repair and making her look that much more wretched. He almost smiled. They sat in silence for what seemed like an eternity, staring at each other in shared misery.

“Please reconsider.”

It was several seconds before he realized that the words had come from his own mouth. Still, he didn’t take them back. She shook her head, swiping at her eyes again, and said firmly, 

“I don’t have any interest in ruling the galaxy.”

He leaned forward and held her gaze as he asked urgently, “Is that the only thing stopping you?”

She blinked at him and asked, “What do you mean?”

“What if my situation was different?”

After a long moment, she replied, “I’m still not sure what you mean. Different, how?”

He looked down at the floor, at the spilled caf that had now grown cold, and whispered, “What if I left the First Order behind? Would you change your answer?”

She didn’t respond for a long time. When he looked up again, she was gone.

He managed not to slam his fist into anything or reach for his weapon, but he couldn’t suppress the scream of frustrated anguish that tore from his throat as he stared at the spot where she had been only moments ago.

“Ben.”

He twisted around to find Luke watching him closely.

“No,” he objected, his voice raw, “Please, not now.”

“You and Rey...”

“I said, _not now!_ ” he hissed at his uncle, and then stood up and advanced on him, pointing a threatening finger in his face, “And if you _ever_ presume to intrude on us like this again…”

His mostly empty threat was cut off as his uncle insisted, “I only heard a few words, and only your half - but I can’t imagine you were just making tender promises to your spilled caf, so I put two and two together.”

His mouth twisted and his lip trembled shamefully as he whispered, “Don’t you dare mock me. Not about this.”

“I wasn’t,” Luke was quick to placate, holding out his hands in front of him, “Ben, I wasn’t. If anything, I…”

He paused, and Kylo frowned. “You what?”

Luke considered him for a moment, carefully choosing his words, before he said, “I’m not exactly unhappy about what I heard. Or that the connection exists. That’s all.”

At this, Kylo couldn’t suppress a snort as he replied wryly, “That’s a distinct change from last time you witnessed it.”

Luke smiled wanly and said, “Well, a lot’s happened.”

“None of it good,” Kylo muttered, turning his back and walking to his cabinet to find a sleep aid. He had the feeling he was going to need it. He supposed it was a good thing he didn’t drink that caf. He was supposed to disembark at Genessa in the morning to address complaints that the transportation infrastructure had fallen apart under First Order rule, and he wasn’t exactly looking forward to it.

“That’s a very telling statement, Supreme Leader. Maybe you did do some thinking about what I said earlier after all?”

Kylo rolled his eyes as he slapped the patch on his bicep and replied, “I want to go to bed. Please get out.”

Luke’s mouth curled up in a shadow of a smile as he observed, “You’re saying ‘please’ when you throw me out these days. That’s progress, you know.”

“ _That’s_ progress?” Kylo snapped, fed up.

“Hey, I’ll take what I can get.”

With that, Luke faded away, and Ben drifted off as the patch began to work. His last semi-coherent thoughts were of Rey’s face, and the fleeting realization that that had been the most pleasant parting between he and his uncle thus far.

Sighing, he muttered into the solitude of his bedroom as he lost consciousness, “Progress.”

 

~~

 

“That was good, Ben. Very good.”

Kylo frowned and glanced over his shoulder to find his uncle walking behind him as he made his way back to his ship. He couldn’t answer him, as he was flanked by Hux and General Slade, who was responsible for maintaining the First Order’s dominance of the Celanon Spur. They had just been briefed in the issues in the Genessa capital as planned, and Kylo had ordered additional crews to the planet with a goal of having everything fully updated and running smoothly within three months.

Slade had obviously been pleasantly surprised at the quick and relatively painless offer of support from the new Supreme Leader, whereas Hux was visibly displeased. He clearly didn’t consider this operation a priority and was no doubt going to complain to Kylo later about the cost and manpower allotment. 

Kylo was looking forward to that even less than he looked forward to these intrusions from his dead uncle, who was still droning on as he walked behind him.

“I doubt Snoke ever made a personal appearance on a First Order-run planet, which already makes you an improvement. And then when the repairs are complete, the people who’ve been struggling for years to keep the trade routes functioning with little to no help will be grateful. I’d call this a wise decision all around, even if it does get you into trouble with your orange-haired friend there.”

Kylo grit his teeth and kept steadfastly ignoring him, walking as quickly as he could until he was abruptly stopped by Hux.

“Supreme Leader…”

“ _What?_ ” he snapped, rounding on him. If Hux was startled by the show of frustration that seemed to come from nowhere, he covered it well as he explained,

“We’ll need to figure out a way to reroute trade as the work progresses. It’s a minor route, but the First Order relies on it as a key source of…”

“No, _you’ll_ need to figure it out. You and Slade. I’m finished here.”

With that, he turned and continued walking, leaving the other two standing there. He heard Luke sigh.

“Still, I guess there’s a learning curve.”

“Switch off,” he muttered under his breath. With a small chuckle, Luke took his leave.

In truth, he had been of the same mind as Hux - that the route wasn’t consequential enough to the First Order to allot so many additional resources to - but then her face floated into his mind and promises had sprung from his mouth almost unbidden. Although he had to grudgingly admit that maybe a small part of him was also hyper-aware of his uncle, who actually _was_ standing there when he gave his orders.

He stilled as he stepped onto the ramp to the shuttle, closing his eyes for a moment and murmuring aloud to himself, “They’re ruining me.”

“I beg your pardon?”

He glared furiously at Hux as he stepped up the ramp beside him. Hux, apparently not knowing what was good for him, just gave him a look and kept talking.

“Well, now that we’ve agreed to allot an ungodly amount of time and effort on a project that doesn’t justify the expense…”

“You didn’t decide anything.”

Hux smirked and went on, “My point exactly. In any case, I have just received information regarding the current location of the rebels.”

Kylo froze at the top of the ramp, blocking the entrance. “What information?”

“We have a credible lead on where they’ve established their current base. I have my men checking on it. If it is valid, we’ll need to lead a squadron there immediately, before they can turn tail and run.”

“Where is it?”

“Talay. But…”

Kylo didn’t allow him to finish as he called over his shoulder, “Once the information is confirmed, inform me immediately. Don’t move on it until I give the order. I’ll be reachable on my shuttle.”

“Where are you going?”

Kylo didn’t bother to answer, stalking away and leaving Hux staring after him in dumbfounded irritation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More angst. I can't help myself. But no pain, no gain. Thanks to everyone who read and reviewed the last chapter!


	6. Chapter Six

As it turned out, they weren’t on Talay. Or Utapau, or the next far-flung planet that Hux suggested they might be. 

With every false lead, Kylo grew more and more agitated until finally, Hux declared that he wasn’t going to disclose intel to him regarding the Resistance until it was officially confirmed to be legitimate. Unbeknownst to Kylo, he had also unilaterally decided that any action taken against the Resistance would be initiated immediately, and the Supreme Leader informed once the operation was already underway.

To save time, was the official reasoning. In reality, it was because Hux had grown progressively more concerned about Kylo’s erratic behavior when it came to the Resistance issue. He assumed that it was a personal conflict having to do with his mother, the General, and sought to avoid complications resulting from it.

He was only half right.

These decisions to act outside of Kylo’s authority were ultimately the ones that almost signed his death warrant.

It was three full weeks before the bond with Rey opened up again, and Kylo spent the time descending into an unhinged madness. His uncle did appear to him a few times but was utterly unable to get anywhere with him. Kylo was inconsolable at the thought that he’d somehow gone too far the last time he’d spoken to her, that she had found a way to break their connection as she’d once expressed a wish to do.

He regressed both mentally and emotionally, his quarters a smoldering ruin and his subordinates - which was basically everybody - running from him in the corridors.

Finally, just when he was about to break, he woke up one morning to find Rey sleeping next to him. 

Once he got over the initial shock of waking up next to someone for the first time in his life, he laid his head back down on the pillow and let his eyes roam her face, silently quivering with relief that she had come back to him and thanking the Force for gifting him with this moment to simply look at her. 

He remembered his shock the first time he’d seen her on Takodana - he had felt instinctively that he’d seen her before. He couldn’t remember when, exactly, but he _knew_ her face. It was hard to wrap his head around, much less explain to anybody else, but when he saw her he felt relieved. As though he’d finally caught up to something he’d been chasing his entire life - or was finally living the moment his existence had been building toward.

He hadn’t even realized at that time that she was Force-sensitive but when they were interrupted and the time came to shift his focus back to the mission, something inside of him quaked at the thought of leaving that planet without her. He hadn’t taken her because of the map, or because of Skywalker or Snoke - he’d taken her with him because he had been desperate to keep her.

Unfortunately for him, Rey wouldn’t stand for being ‘kept’, and that feeling - the crushing ache that he felt whenever he was separated from her - hadn’t gone away with time, and it wasn’t eased much by these sporadic visits. It had only gotten worse with the Force bond between them, taunting him with her presence when he knew she didn’t want any of it.

He sighed softly, afraid to wake her as he began to drift into his fantasies at the sight of her in his bed. She was so beautiful, and he knew the fire that burned beneath her peaceful facade. If he tried, he could pretend that she’d taken his hand in that throne room, that he was waking up next to the real Rey. That she was his, he was hers and his life wasn’t a hollow shell.

“You didn’t answer my question. From before,” he whispered to her, his voice raspy from sleep, “If I left this behind, would you want me then? Would you follow me to some distant planet?”

She didn’t respond, and he couldn’t decide if he wanted her to hear him or not. He didn’t know if he could bear to tear down his defenses and be vulnerable for her again if she was only going to crush him. Perhaps it was better that she was asleep.

Still, as though compelled, he kept talking.

“We could find one that’s green,” he promised softly, “With a blue ocean that stretches to the horizon. Just like the one in your mind’s eye. I’d build us a place to live, and we’d spend our days mediating, sparring. Sharing our food, our thoughts. At night, we could sleep next to each other, under the stars.”

He hadn’t noticed the tears until they were running across the bridge of his nose, wetting his pillow. 

Suddenly, he needed her to be awake. He needed her to hear him. He needed to _know_ , once and for all, if any part of her wanted him as much as he so badly wanted her. 

He needed to know if there was any hope at all.

“Rey,” he said, raising his voice a bit. Still, she didn’t respond. 

He leaned up on his elbow, his brow furrowing as he peered down at her face and called sharply, “Rey?”

She wasn’t sleeping, he realized, the blood draining abruptly from his face. Her clothing - medical issue. She was injured. Gravely, from the looks of it, and obviously in a med bay. He hadn’t noticed the leads attached to her until just that moment.

Was _this_ why she hadn’t appeared in weeks?

A cold dread began to coat his insides, contrasting painfully with the corrosive panic.

“Rey?” he choked out, reaching out to tentatively brush her forehead with his fingers.

They passed through her as though she were made of smoke. It was a unique kind of torture reserved exclusively for him in that moment - he couldn’t touch her. He hoped with everything he had that it was because she wasn’t able to consent to the physical contact, and not because she was slipping away. He had no idea what specifically she had suffered.

As though he’d felt his nephew’s anguish through the Force, Luke was suddenly standing beside them.

“She’s stable for now.”

“What happened?” Kylo demanded, unable to pull his eyes from her. His fingertips ghosted along her face, unable to touch but unwilling to pull away.

“You don’t know?”

Luke’s words made Kylo freeze. He turned his head slowly and asked, “What does that mean?”

Luke stared down at him for a tense moment before he responded carefully, “She was injured during an attack on her base. A First Order attack.”

“No,” Kylo snapped, rising to his feet, “You’re wrong, it couldn’t have been us. I specifically instructed that no attacks were to be authorized without my express command.”

Luke sighed and replied, “It seems your red-haired friend isn’t entirely confident in your ability to separate your personal entanglements from - Ben?”

He could barely hear his uncle anymore. His vision had gone red, obscuring even the sight of Rey’s wan face. His jaw ached as he ground his teeth together and he didn’t even think twice as he stalked toward the door and practically put his fist through the activator to open it.

“Ben!” Luke called, his tone urgent, “Don’t just barrel out of here in a rage!”

“I have something I need to do,” Kylo growled as he turned into the corridor, fists clenched.

“You’re half dressed!”

He didn’t dignify that with a response. He couldn’t care less how he looked.

“Where are you going?”

“I’m going to kill him.”

“Who? Hux? Ben, listen…”

 _“Stop calling me that!”_ he roared, causing a passing maintenance droid to whir in alarm before scurrying away, “It’s nothing less than he deserves after what happened to her.”

“This is a war, Ben. War brings risk. This is not a new concept.”

Kylo didn’t answer, tuning out Luke’s feeble protests. Suddenly, a security door slid shut in his face. Kylo stilled, then slowly turned.

“You think a closed door will stop me?”

Luke was still lowering his hand, looking vaguely apprehensive, and replied, “Probably not for long, but I’m trying to think on my feet here. Before you do something rash.”

“What do you care if I kill Hux? He means nothing to you.”

“Maybe not, but _you_ do. And there are enough deaths on your hands as it is.”

“Then this one won’t make much of a difference.”

Kylo turned and, with a flick of his hand, sent the door flying open. He had not taken three steps forward before Luke’s next comment stopped him cold.

“Do you think she’d want to wake up to hear that you committed murder in her name?”

Kylo stopped, tensing as he tried in vain to prevent Luke’s words from sinking in. He didn’t respond, and Luke went on,

“You can go to the bridge and murder Hux in front of all of the personnel who are loyal to him. You could go on to kill them, too, for that matter. It wouldn’t help Rey, and it wouldn’t help you. And in the end, you need to search your feelings and decide who it is you’re really trying to punish.”

Gritting his teeth, Kylo turned around to face his uncle and asked, “What do you mean?”

Luke was regarding him sadly, with no small amount of pity in his eyes - which made Ben’s blood boil and drove him dangerously close to simply turning and following through with his plan.

“She asked for you, you know. It was a blaster bolt that took her down, right in the stomach. She was practically delirious before they sedated her - scared, in pain. She said your name. I think Leia was the only one who caught it. Not many people know you as ‘Ben’ anymore.”

Ben felt as though he was withering away, unable to catch his breath. Swallowing hard, he rasped,

“You’re lying. Just like Snoke. You’re using her as a tool to exploit me.”

“Feelings are only a weakness if you let them lead you in the wrong direction. I’m trying to make you change direction.”

“For what?” Ben snapped, so exasperated he felt his eyes stinging, “It’s too late!”

“People keep trying to tell you that it’s not, and it never is,” Luke insisted, “Maybe it’s time you listen.”

Ben stared at him for a long, long moment - and his uncle never broke eye contact, his gaze steady and unwavering in his conviction. The silence between them stretched for what seemed like forever, the hum of the engines the only sound in the narrow corridor.

“I don’t know what to do,” Ben whispered, his heart clenching as he was suddenly reminded of a similar conversation he had with Han Solo, just before he made the biggest mistake of his life, “How can I leave? I killed Snoke. I seized power, but I don’t want it. Not like this, not without...”

He stopped short of saying her name, and to his credit, Luke didn’t comment on it.

“You’ve built your own cage, yeah. But that also means you have the power to unlock it. You want to know what to do? I’ll give you this for a start - it’s simple. Just get on a ship. Fly away from here. You can figure out the rest after that.”

Kylo closed his eyes, drew a breath and demanded, “Tell me where she is. Please.”

“You’re joking.”

“I have to go to her. Luke,” he implored, watching as his use of his uncle’s name for the first time in years hit the older man like a ton of bricks, “Please. I have to see her.”

Luke shook his head, casting his eyes to the floor as he heaved a sigh. Sensing that he was weakening, Ben added the killing blow - and was shocked when, as he spoke it out loud, he found it to be completely sincere.

“It’s my fault she’s hurt.”

His uncle’s eyes shot to his face, and they stared at each other for a moment, both stricken, before Ben repeated quietly,

“It’s my fault. I could have stopped this, all of this, and I didn’t. She begged me to, and I still didn’t, and now she’s lying in a med-bay somewhere in a coma.”

Saying it out loud was like twisting a knife in his guts, and he closed the distance between himself and his uncle’s Force ghost as he pleaded,

“I’ll do it. Today. I’ll leave here and go to the Outer Rim somewhere. I’ll meditate, I’ll take myself apart, I’ll spend years looking at every ugly memory and reframing everything - I just need to see her once, before I go.”

Luke looked back at him for a long moment. At last, he sighed again and muttered,

“I hope I don’t live to regret this.”

“You’re not alive as it is, so...you can’t.”

“Alright, fair point,” Luke grumbled, then after one last second of hesitation, he revealed, “They’re holed up in an abandoned village on Rattatak. Leia had friends who...wait!”

Uninterested in why they’d chosen that planet, Ben had spun on his heel and began to stalk off in the opposite direction of his quarters. Luke blew out an exasperated breath and called after him,

“You need to pack a bag before you go! Or at least put a shirt on!”

“I’m just putting in the requisition for a shuttle,” he replied defensively as he punched codes into a wall console.

“Oh,” Luke said, then he murmured, “Be careful, Ben. I’ll be right there with you, every step of the way.”

Ben’s face twisted and, to hide the surge of emotion he felt at Luke’s words, he simply replied, “Great.”

There was a pause, and Luke asked, “Do you own any clothes that aren’t black? Because if you’re going for incognito...”

“Do you really have to be with me _every_ step of the way?” Ben interrupted irritably, finishing with the console and heading quickly back to his rooms, eager to get everything ready and be on his way to Rey.

Luke chuckled and replied, “I guess there are some things you can manage on your own. I’ll leave you alone for now. See you on Rattatak.”

Rolling his eyes, Ben replied flatly, “I can’t wait.”

With that, his uncle was gone, and as Ben pulled his clothes on he found that his trepidation and doubt were being overtaken by another feeling - relief.

Once the idea of leaving had taken hold, it had very swiftly grown roots - the incentive of seeing Rey, combined with the possibilities offered to him by a blank slate, were almost intoxicating to him.

He was careful to avoid the well-trafficked corridors as he headed to one of the secondary shuttle bays, and if anyone thought it odd that the Supreme Leader was boarding a small low-class shuttle alone instead of his command ship, they either didn’t think to say anything or were too afraid to say anything to him about it. 

He stowed the few belongings he’d taken with him in a small compartment once he was inside, then wasted no time in powering up and taking off. It was seconds before he’d jumped to hyperspace, the coordinates for some insignificant mid-rim planet programmed into his nav system - he’d have to take a roundabout route to Rattatak to avoid being tracked. Hux would surely discover his desertion in no time, and he didn’t want to lead the First Order squadrons to Rey.

If Hux bothered to track him at all. Maybe he’d just be happy to have him gone and out of First Order business. 

Staring out into the blue of hyperspace, before allowing himself to succumb to endless, worry-laden thoughts of Rey, Ben had to admit that for once he would be forced to agree with the insufferable bastard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay. I actually had to put some plot in this one. Apparently I struggle with plot. Also, like an idiot, I started another Reylo fic that may or may not see the light of day.
> 
> Thank you for all the support for this fic, it means a lot to me!


	7. Chapter Seven

Kylo Ren stood at the base of a steep cliff, his legs already sore from his climb thus far. He’d landed his shuttle as far away as he could while still maintaining a relatively manageable hike, not wanting to be on the planet for any longer than was absolutely necessary. If he were spotted, it would be chaos and probably wouldn’t end well for anybody. 

He didn’t come here for a confrontation. He came for one reason alone, and his sole purpose now was to find her.

Following his instincts, he crouched low as he crept around the perimeter of the weathered village. Glad of his penchant for dark clothing, he looked up and assessed his options, searching for a path upward in the craggy mountainside.

He had just found a good foothold and wasn’t more than seven feet off the ground when he heard the voice in his ear.

“Bear left.”

He cursed as his right foot slipped, his heart skipping even though it wouldn’t have been a very far fall.

“You are a _menace_ ,” he hissed, careful not to raise his voice even though it took everything he had not to bellow at his uncle.

“I’m not the menace you need to worry about,” Luke replied, and Kylo didn’t turn to look over his shoulder at him - he didn’t think he wanted to know how his uncle looked just smugly floating behind him, watching him struggle with the climb.

He had enough anger issues as it was.

“I’m well aware of the risks,” Kylo grunted as he pulled himself up, digging the toe of his boot into a particularly narrow crag.

“Which makes this whole thing even more insane,” Luke quipped, then paused before asking earnestly, “I don’t feel you in the Force…”

“I’ve shut myself off from it. Temporarily.”

“Wouldn’t it make it easier to climb if you…?”

“I can’t use the Force here,” Kylo cut him off irritably, squinting at the stretch above him and trying to identify any feasible option besides bearing left as Luke had suggested, “It would be suicide.”

“Why?”

“She would sense me.”

“She’s unconscious. And besides, I don’t think she would raise the alarm. Do you?”

Kylo sighed and snapped, “I wasn’t talking about _Rey_. I was talking about my mother. Now do you mind? This isn’t as easy as I’m making it look, and you’re distracting me.”

Luke obediently fell silent - but only for a moment before he murmured, “You’re not making it look _that_ easy.”

Kylo didn’t reply, setting his jaw as he focused on what he had to do. After what seemed like a thousand more feet and with aching biceps, he finally pulled himself onto the plateau that served as the base of the decrepit, previously abandoned hamlet.

“You know, I just remembered,” Luke said thoughtfully, eyeing Kylo as he caught his breath, “Leia isn’t here. She’s on a diplomatic mission in the Western Reaches.”

Every time Kylo thought he couldn’t possibly hate Luke Skywalker more, the man proved him wrong.

“You couldn’t have told me that when we were at the bottom of the cliff?” he bit out, and Luke smiled.

“Physical activity is good for your body and your mind. I always said that, remember?”

Kylo stared at him.

“Please disappear. Now. Permanently, if possible.”

“Not likely, I still have work to do - judging by the attitude. But seriously Ben,” Luke conceded, his tone turning serious, “Be careful. If they see you…”

“I know the risks, I said.”

“I just want to remind you that with Rey out of commission and Leia gone, there would be no one to defend you.”

“Maybe I don’t deserve to be defended,” Ben replied quietly, holding his uncle’s gaze.

There was a long pause before Luke, ignoring his nihilistic comment, commanded, “Do whatever it is that you came to do quickly. Be safe.”

Ben nodded and crouched low as he closed his eyes and reached out in the Force, trying to pinpoint exactly where she was now that he was so close and now that he knew his mother wasn’t on base. It didn’t take long, their bond alive and vibrant even though she was injured - somehow, it felt even more profound than usual. 

He opened his eyes, the high-altitude wind whipping around him as he came out of his meditation. 

_There._

He had no idea if their physical proximity had an effect on it, as he knew next to nothing about how it worked beyond his conviction that Snoke had been a malicious, manipulative liar and could in no way be responsible for something so pure.

It was something he hoped to learn more about, as time went on.

He hoped they would figure it out together.

Making sure to stay in the shadows as he made his way through the base, he crept up to the structure that the Force had led him to, carefully listening for approaching patrols as he rose and peered through the lone window.

The sight of her almost broke him. 

It was just her in the room, thankfully, and the sight of her - pale and mottled with bruises against the stark-white linen - made him shudder. He felt a renewed surge of black rage at Hux for ordering the attack that harmed her without his knowledge, even though logically he knew that Hux - aside from disobeying a direct order - had only done what made sense in the context of the war.

That idea was a relative term, though - _what made sense_. Lately, very little seemed to make sense to Kylo. The only thing that felt real to him anymore was lying unconscious on a bed about ten feet away from him.

Unable to tear his gaze away from her, he blindly reached for the window pane and crept into the room, taking care to land lightly so that no one would hear. He didn’t remember crossing to the bed and taking her hand in his, but before he knew it he was sinking to his knees at her bedside, her cold fingers clutched in his.

And when had he removed his gloves?

“Rey,” he whispered, his eyes devouring her face.

He swallowed thickly, his other hand drifting up to gently ghost across her cheekbone. He couldn’t help himself. Tamping down the emotion that threatened to overwhelm him, he went on, 

“I don’t know if you can sense me, but I wanted to see you...needed to see you, before I disappear for awhile. I…”

He trailed off, staring at her and wishing he could see her eyes. Even like this, she was so beautiful that he found it hard to think as he gazed at her.

“I left the First Order,” he rasped, so close to her that his breath disturbed the wispy hair at her temples, “There were no more answers for me there. Maybe there never were.”

He stopped, content to just feel her presence beside him, and after a moment he lowered his forehead to rest atop their joined hands. He didn’t know what else to say to her, didn’t even know if she had any idea that he was there with her. His thoughts were a rushing jumble of nonsense, and he found he couldn’t focus well enough to pick out coherent bits because he was struggling against the feeling of despair that threatened to sink him.

To actually be with her again, finally, and not be able to communicate with her was torture. 

The last time he’d seen her, she’d snatched a newly awakened and fervent hope - a new and intoxicating vision of his own future, with her - from his grasp and left him broken and destitute. Yet he felt no anger toward her, no resentment - not now. The fury he’d felt initially had been, he was now able to admit to himself, a coping mechanism he used to temper his utter devastation at her rejection. 

Once that had abated, and once he’d really begun to question his goals and the outcome he wanted for himself, he’d realized that she was right to do what she did.

He wished he could tell her that, now.

Raising his head, he looked at her and felt a sudden stab of panic - she seemed so still, so fragile. He had no idea how serious her injury had been beyond what Luke had told him, which wasn’t much, and no way of knowing what her prognosis was - what if it was more dire than Luke had let on?

Drawing a shaky breath, he slowly moved the hand that had been resting on her face down the column of her neck, his touch so feather-light that she might not have felt it even if she were awake. Finally, he brought it to rest on her chest, flattening his palm against her and taking solace in the comforting, steady thump of her heart and in the warmth that seeped through her gown to meet his skin.

“Rey,” he breathed again, but before he could say whatever was about to come out of his mouth next, he heard the sound of approaching footsteps in the distance and his eyes snapped to the door.

Just as quickly, Luke materialized behind him.

“Ben, you have to leave. Now.”

He turned his head to the side and asked tersely, “You were listening?”

“No, I was keeping lookout. And someone’s coming. You have to go.”

Ben slowly stood, his gaze still trained on the door as the footsteps grew closer. He silently backed toward the window, feeling the cool evening air tickle the back of his neck as he prepared to make his escape…

And then his eyes landed on Rey once more, sleeping and unaware of anything going on around her. Even him. She would wake up eventually, never knowing he was ever there at all. At least, he hoped she would - if she didn’t wake up...

Suddenly, the idea of climbing back out that window and leaving her for an indefinite amount of time seemed unfathomable.

“No,” he said to Luke, straightening as he moved back to Rey’s bedside.

“What?” Luke hissed, “What do you mean, ‘no’? No _what?_ ”

“No, I’m not going anywhere.”

“Ben, do you understand that if they catch you here, they’ll…?”

“I don’t care,” he interrupted flatly, reaching out with his fingertips to trace Rey’s hairline again, “I can’t leave her, not like this. Where else do I have to go, anyway?”

“They’ll arrest you, or worse!”

“Better than the alternative.”

“Ben...please! This isn’t the way to do this!”

Turning, he glanced at Luke over his shoulder and said in a voice that was almost soothing, “This is where I need to be.”

Before Luke could say anything else, the door to the room clicked open and a set of heavy footsteps stopped short at the sight of him. Ben took one last look at Luke’s horrified face before he turned to face the newcomer.

His head began to pound as he recognized the intruder - the traitor. The other man’s eyes were bugging out and he seemed frozen for a second, a book tucked under his arm and a tray of food balanced in his hand.

Then, without much warning, he hurled the tray at Kylo’s head, sending what seemed like eggs of some kind everywhere. Kylo threw his hand out and redirected the impending disaster, sending the tray and the slop crashing into the crumbling wall.

“I’m not here to fight. I came for...”

“ _Not_ interested!” the traitor snarled, reaching out and grabbing a large piece of metal that looked to be what they used to prop the door open and wielding it in front of him like a staff, moving to insert himself between Kylo and Rey. “What did you do to her?”

Kylo narrowed his eyes as he growled, “You think I’d hurt her?”

“You _kidding_ me?”

“You must not be as close to her as you think you are,” Kylo taunted, jealousy swirling in his gut at the thought that this man had been afforded endless hours of time with Rey, warm and real, while Ben had had to be content with snippets of sporadic ghostly moments through the bond, “Or you’d know what we’ve become to each other.”

The other man’s face twisted in confusion, and Kylo took the opportunity to twist the knife as he purred derisively, “FN-2187.”

The traitor’s eyes narrowed, and they held a tense eye contact for a long moment before he opened his mouth and finally yelled for backup.

“Someone get in here! There’s been a breach! _Code Black!_ ”

It was mere seconds before several others were rushing into the room with weapons drawn, and each and every one of their faces went pale as they realized who they were confronting. Even the pilot, Dameron, who arrived last and whose large eyes filled with trepidation as they landed on his uninvited guest - the erstwhile Supreme Leader.

Kylo, for his part, stood impassively at Rey’s bedside, eerily calm as he mentally settled into his decision. There was no anxiety, no second-guessing - he knew what he had to do, and he had rarely felt this confident that the decision he was making was the right one.

“Where’s your fleet?” Dameron demanded, his blaster level with Kylo’s face, “Our sensors may be crude, but…”

“I’m here alone.”

Dameron frowned, then ventured a guess, “To deliver an ultimatum, since you obviously found us? The First Order doesn’t do negotiations.”

“The First Order also doesn’t do ultimatums.”

“Then _what?”_ the traitor demanded, losing patience as he kept annoyingly close to Rey’s bedside as though she needed protection.

Kylo let his gaze drift back down to Rey and he allowed himself just a few last moments of letting himself take in her features, her face, before he raised his chin and declared,

“Take me into custody. I’m done talking.”

“Custody?” Dameron repeated, his weapon actually falling slightly as he processed what he was hearing, “Last I heard, the First Order also doesn’t surrender, so…?”

“I no longer represent the First Order.”

“What?” Dameron almost yelped, “You’re not saying you defected?”

Kylo held his incredulous stare and remained silent. After a few fraught seconds, the traitor broke the stunned silence.

“He asked to be taken into custody. Who cares what his deal is? Let’s just cuff him!”

“Cuff him and take him where?” Dameron argued, addressing FN-2187 but not taking his eyes from Kylo, “We aren’t equipped for prisoners at all, much less a prisoner like this.”

“Well, any place is better than here! I’m not okay with having this discussion next to Rey’s sickbed!”

“I told you,” Kylo broke in, his eyes fixed threateningly on the traitor, “I have no intention of hurting _her_.”

The traitor seemed unconvinced, but Dameron narrowed his eyes as he scrutinized Kylo anew, apparently puzzling something out in his own head before ordering,

“Alright. Get him outta here. He’s coming willingly, and we don’t have much of a choice.”

“But where do we put him?” one of the other men asked, his voice trembling slightly with anxiousness.

“Take him to the dugout.”

The man looked affronted. “But, Poe...our food stores…”

“Yeah, something tells me he’s not gonna get down there and start gorging himself on barely-ripe fruit and hard bread. Just do it, and reinforce the entrance with whatever you can find. It’ll have to do until the General gets back.”

The mention of his mother and the thought of facing her again after - everything - made Ben’s insides twist, but he forced himself to remain blank. After another couple of long seconds, two of the armed officers somewhat reluctantly stepped forward and grabbed Ben’s arms, dragging him towards the door and presumably to the dugout.

Before he left the room, he chanced one last greedy look over his shoulder at Rey. He didn’t know when he would see her again.

But at least he wasn’t a galaxy away from her anymore, and so he went willingly. 

Even gladly. For the first time in his life, he felt that he was on the right path, no matter where or how it ended.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finally got around to responding to some of the lovely comments on the previous chapters. I’m sorry I couldn’t respond to all of them, but I appreciate every single one so much. Thank you again, and I hope you enjoyed this chapter!


	8. Chapter Eight

He had no idea how long he’d been down there, sitting on a dirt floor in pitch darkness, before the rock barricading the entrance was pushed away to reveal the silhouette of the pilot, Dameron. Kylo squinted up into the dim light - it must be just dawn.

“Comfortable?”

Kylo’s lip curled at Dameron’s quip, not having forgotten their interaction aboard the Finalizer. He didn’t bother responding. It had obviously been rhetorical.

A light suddenly flashed on, right in Kylo’s face, and he turned his head sharply away from it and snapped, “Did you come here for a reason?”

“I was about to ask you that same question,” Dameron replied, his voice even.

“I told you, I’m not interested in talking.”

“Yeah, you did tell us that. You’re not interested in fighting, either - we’ve already gone through all the things you’re NOT here for.”

Kylo remained silent, and the pilot took a few steps into the crude, dank dugout.

“I’m talking to you, Ren.”

“Yes, you are,” Kylo replied flatly, “Still.”

“Why were you in Rey’s room?”

Silence. Kylo ground his teeth together at the sound of her name.

“Something tells me you didn’t come to hurt her…”

“Something?” Kylo repeated, mocking and bitter, “I told you that.”

“Yeah, that’s the thing, though - I had a talk with Finn, and he said you mentioned something about you and Rey. He said you implied there were things we don’t know about your...association.”

Kylo’s mouth turned up slightly at Dameron’s obvious avoidance of the term ‘relationship’. When he didn’t answer, Dameron prompted,

“So?”

Drawing a deep breath, Kylo slowly rose to his feet and made sure to stand at his full height as he faced the other man, grateful that there was enough room in this hole that he didn’t have to crouch. To his credit, Dameron didn’t back up - he simply followed Kylo’s face with his light, which Kylo gazed past as he eyed the open entrance on the other side. He sensed others out there, probably armed and ready in case Kylo tried to escape or harm Dameron in any way.

 _Infants_ , he thought derisively. Didn’t they know he could get out of here any time he wanted? Did they think that a rock at the entrance to this mudhole was what was keeping him there?

“What part of ‘I’m not interested in talking’ do you not understand?” Kylo asked, his voice low and only vaguely threatening.

Dameron stared back at him for a long, drawn-out moment before flicking the light off and plunging the dugout into darkness again. He didn’t turn his back on Kylo as he backed toward the light from outside and replied mildly,

“Have it your way. Enjoy the accommodations while you think about what it is you want out of this whole stunt.”

Unable to resist one last jab, Kylo waited until Dameron turned his back at the entrance and called, “Don’t forget to replace the boulder. If it’s too heavy for your men, say the word - I can take care of it. Easily.”

Dameron stilled, turning his head a fraction, before continuing on his way. Seconds later, the boulder was shoved back into place with no small effort. Kylo watched, the smirk still gracing his face, until the last of the light was gone and he was once again alone in the darkness.

~~

“Whatever your plan was, it’s not going well.”

Kylo startled awake, blinking in the hazy blue glow that Luke’s Force ghost cast over the inside of his prison.

“It’s going fine,” he argued, scrubbing his face with his hands, “My objective was simple, and I’m currently achieving it.”

“What? Being near Rey?” Luke asked, his eyebrow raised, “Isn’t it sort of negated by the fact that you’re down here in what’s basically a hole in the ground and she’s up there?”

Instead of answering the question, Kylo asked, “Is she still unconscious?”

Luke’s face softened as he answered, “Yes.”

Kylo swallowed, fixing his eyes on the wall across from him as he asked softly, “I want the truth. How bad is it?”

Luke sighed, and Kylo’s stomach clenched. After a moment’s hesitation, he explained,

“At first, it was pretty bad. There was a lot of bleeding and it was really touch-and-go that first night…”

Kylo let his eyes slide closed and his head fall back onto the dirt wall behind him with a thud, trying to stop the terror from overtaking him as he thought about how close he’d apparently come to losing her. Luke seemed to sense his distress and paused for a second before continuing, his voice laced with sympathy,

“She’s strong, Ben.”

He swallowed, then rasped, “I know. I can feel her, still. Her presence in the Force. I can always feel her. Whatever this bond between us is, it’s stronger and steadier than my own heartbeat. Even now.”

If Luke was at all taken aback by the unguarded intensity of Ben’s words, he didn’t mention it. Instead, he simply said,

“She’s going to be fine. They’ve already discontinued the sedation, and they’re just waiting for her to wake up on her own.”

“And? Do they have any idea of when?”

“I’m not sure about that. I’m sorry.”

Kylo nodded slightly, then drew a breath and lightly thumped his head against the wall a couple of times as he processed everything. The silence in the little cavern was so thick that he thought his uncle might have gone, but when he opened his eyes, he was still there. Shaking his head, Kylo asked morosely,

“Why do you keep coming back? And don’t be flippant - I want a real answer.”

Luke stared at him for a long moment, then replied quietly, “You’re my nephew, and it was about time I came back to you, wasn’t it?”

“Except that I was the one that left _you _.”__

__His uncle shook his head, “You know better than anyone that abandonment doesn’t have to be physical.”_ _

__Ben’s stomach clenched and he closed his eyes again. To his own astonishment, he suddenly wanted this conversation, but he didn’t want to have to look at his uncle while they had it. He swallowed convulsively and finally - after years spent trying to convince himself that he didn’t care, that it didn’t matter - _finally_ asked his uncle the question that had been his secret burden for much too long._ _

__“Did you really think everyone would be better off with me dead?”_ _

__Ben didn’t need to be looking at his uncle to feel his reaction to the raw question. Luke’s grief was audible as he whispered, somehow adamantly and brokenly at the same time,_ _

__“No.”_ _

__“Then why?” Ben demanded, his fists clenching against the urge to beat something, _“Why?”__ _

__“I don’t have an answer for you, Ben. I wish I did. I was alone with nothing but my thoughts for years on Ahch-To, and I’m no closer to a good answer - or even a bad one.”_ _

__Ben opened his eyes and stared at him, thinking idly that he hadn’t known until this moment that a ghost could weep. Sickened at the stinging of his own eyes, he choked,_ _

__“If you had it to do over...?”_ _

__“If I had it to do over, there are so many things I’d do differently. But we can’t change the past. All we can do is learn from our mistakes and try to shape the future. I know, I know...it’s really vague, terrible advice. There, I saved you the trouble.”_ _

__Ben couldn’t stop the snort of laughter that escaped him._ _

__“Then why are you bothering to give it to me?”_ _

__“Because I think it’s something you need to hear. You’ve made your own mistakes, too.”_ _

__Ben nodded, then after a long pause, squeezed his eyes shut again as he murmured dejectedly, “I wish I hadn’t done it.”_ _

__After another heavy silence, Luke asked, “You mean Han?”_ _

__Nodding again, he let his head drop back against the wall and opened his eyes so that he could stare at the darkness above him as he spoke._ _

__“I thought it would bring me relief from the battle inside me, the one I’ve been fighting my whole life. I was just so tired. I would have done anything - and Snoke knew it. He counted on it.”_ _

__“I know,” Luke said, his voice taking on a flinty tone, “Like I said, you’ve made your mistakes, but ridding the galaxy of that tyrant isn’t one of them.”_ _

__Ben opened his eyes and glanced at Luke._ _

__“That’s not a very Jedi thing to say.”_ _

__Luke shrugged, his watery eyes twinkling as he said, “I was never a very good Jedi, to be honest.”_ _

__They held each other’s gazes for a long moment, and Ben was taken aback to realize he was returning Luke’s wan smile. Uncomfortable suddenly with the depth of the conversation, he stretched his legs out in front of him and crossed them at the ankles, thankful that the small dugout at least provided enough room for that. Furrowing his brows and wanting to steer away from the subject matter a bit, he backtracked to something his uncle had said before._ _

__“Ahch-To? Is that where you were all that time? I’ve never even heard of it.”_ _

__“I’m not surprised. I thought no one had. It was uncharted. That’s why I went there, but as usual, it didn’t work out the way I planned.”_ _

__“How did they find you? If the planet was uncharted, they would have needed more than just a piece of that navigational chart to find it. How did they get the rest of the map?”_ _

__Luke grimaced and replied, “Artoo switched on and promptly sold me out. So I’m told.”_ _

__Ben nodded slowly and, smirking, commented, “Sounds like the Artoo I remember.”_ _

__Luke gave him a pointed look, “You know, he has some anger issues, too. You two should talk.”_ _

__“I was never great at understanding binary, so…”_ _

__“Believe me, it doesn’t matter. He manages to get his point across regardless.”_ _

__It was surreal talking to his uncle like this. He’d hated this man for so long, had been more than ready to obliterate him mere weeks ago, and now they were having a normal conversation. Ben wondered for a moment if he was about to wake up back on the ship and find that none of this ever happened._ _

__He found that he really wouldn’t want that. On any level._ _

__Before they could say anything else to each other, the rock was rolled out of the way of the entrance once again and no less than six people stood there, weapons drawn. Ben squinted into the light and asked,_ _

__“Am I about to get a meal? Or executed?”_ _

__“You’re about to get a new cell, and some new friends,” came Dameron’s voice._ _

__Ben grimaced and muttered, “Lucky me.”_ _

__“Stand up and come forward with your hands on your head.”_ _

__Knowing there was no point in antagonizing these people when he was the one who basically put himself in custody in the first place, he did as he was ordered. It was ridiculous, since his primary weapon had nothing to do with concealed blasters or scraps of sharp metal - and he knew that at least Dameron knew it, too._ _

__Still, he had a feeling they were about to amend the situation in their favor._ _

__After a short walk across the small base, he found that he was right. They’d taken him to a spot that had been carved out of the side of the cliff, just below the village - by them or by the Rattataki that used to live there, Ben had no idea. He was, however, pretty sure that the thick steel bars that had been added to seal off the open side were a recent addition._ _

__He said nothing else as they shoved him through the crude door, also fashioned with steel, but as soon as he was inside he immediately felt that something was wrong. Frowning, he reached out - and was met with a vast, gaping emptiness that shook him more than almost any threat they could have made._ _

__Glaring darkly at Dameron, he growled dangerously, “What did you do?”_ _

__Dameron’s brows went up, and the triumphant glint in his eye brought Kylo closer to violence than he had been since he had made planetfall._ _

__“Oh, yeah - the friends I mentioned? Consider this your formal introduction.”_ _

__He gestured vaguely, and when Kylo glanced around, he realized what was happening as a cloud of dark fury threatened to overcome him - along with panic, which was even worse._ _

__There were cages embedded in the cliff on either side of his cell. Inside each was a small creature that he’d never seen in the flesh, but had definitely heard of before._ _

__“Ysalamiri,” he gritted out._ _

__“Oh, we’ve spared no expense to make you feel at home, Ren. Aside from, you know - basically ripping one of your senses away from you.”_ _

__Ysalamiri were lizard-like beings that projected a Force-repelling field. The more there were, the more powerful the effects - and it looked like there were about ten of them. They must have sent someone to get them as soon as they’d left him in that dugout._ _

__Kylo pinned Dameron with a withering look that he hoped masked the roiling anxiety in his guts._ _

__He couldn’t feel Rey. The one thing he’d been clinging to like a lifeline since he had arrived - and long, long before that - and it was gone._ _

__If Dameron saw through his front and sensed his distress, he either didn’t let on or didn’t care. With one last tap on the bars, he gave Kylo a small salute and murmured,_ _

__“Sleep well.”_ _

__Kylo watched them all walk away from him, knowing that he was heavily compromised and that his life was very much in danger, but unable to focus on anything beyond the cavernous hole in his consciousness where the Force - and therefore, _she_ \- used to be._ _

__Sleep was out of the question._ _

__He needed her to wake up._ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, thanks for reading! I’ll try to respond to comments too.
> 
> Come find me on Tumblr - emmyjeanb.


	9. Chapter Nine

Ben had been sitting in his cliffside cell for only about one full week, most of which had been spent brooding as he tried to meditate without access to the Force. If he thought he’d hated meditation before, it was nothing compared to trying to do it now.

 

He felt drunk, or like they had removed his brain and filled his head with sand. He despised it, and he despised every person on that Force-forsaken hamlet of a base.

 

 _All but one_ _,_ he silently corrected himself.

 

His other senses were so diminished that he didn’t even hear Dameron approaching until the smug bastard once again appeared on the other side of the bars.

 

“Thought I’d sit on the veranda while I have my caf,” he quipped, sweeping an arm out dramatically at the miserably cold and windy cliffside, “They say fresh air’s good for you.”

 

Kylo shot him a scathing look. Aside from the random old man who brought him his meals every day and fed the ysalamiri, he hadn’t seen hide nor hair of anybody. Frankly, he’d been fine with that. Dameron took a slow sip of his caf, unabashed as he held Kylo’s stare, then said with obviously feigned geniality,

 

“Let’s chat.”

 

“Let’s not.”

 

Ignoring the brush-off, Dameron asked, “What exactly did you want from Rey, when you showed up here?”

 

“What makes you think I wanted anything with her?” Ben replied, closing his eyes again and clenching his teeth, trying to brace himself for the conversation that this idiot was about to attempt to have with him.

 

“Well, we found you standing next to her bed while she was unconscious. Call me crazy, but it seems unlikely you took a wrong turn and that was just a happy coincidence.”

 

Kylo didn’t answer, praying for a sudden rock slide that would send Dameron careening off the side of the mountain and then bury him at the bottom.

 

“Finn’s ready to come down and beat it out of you, you know.”

 

At this, Kylo sneered at him and said, “Ah, is he? I assume you're talking about my old friend FN-2187? Good, let him try. I could use the exercise.”

 

“See, that’s the thing,” Poe said, leaning a shoulder casually against the bars and taking another sip of caf, “I would, but I’ve recently learned that aggressive action isn’t always the way to go. You know who taught me that?”

 

Opening his eyes once more, Kylo pinned the pilot with a stare that would send most men scrambling for their blasters with shaking hands. It didn’t seem to faze him and he smiled easily and finished,

 

“Your mother.”

 

He watched as Dameron’s eyes flicked downward, a satisfied smirk on his face, and only then did Ben realize that his hands had clenched into tight, angry fists at his sides.

 

“It seems like you never quite learned that lesson. Although, I suppose you were probably a disappointment to her on quite a few levels, huh?”

 

“You'd have to ask _her_ ,” Kylo bit out, teetering dangerously on the edge of a violent outburst.

 

Dameron’s face grew serious once more and he said flatly, “I want an answer to my question. I want to know what the deal is with you and Rey.”

 

The way he worded the question this time made Kylo take pause - it seemed as if Dameron was suggesting that Rey was colluding with him in some way. Although Kylo had absolutely no problem with whatever people wanted to believe about him, he felt a sudden urge to protect Rey from their assumptions and scrutiny. She had obviously not opened up to them about their bond, and he wasn’t going to be the one to reveal it. He couldn’t do that to her - not even to relish the expression it would no doubt put on this smug bastard’s face.

 

Besides, a part of him felt gratified at the idea that she hadn’t told them. As though she had wanted to keep their connection sacred, shielded from the intrusion of others.

 

Or, she just didn’t want to be accused of treason.

 

“Well?”

 

Dameron’s impatient prompt brought him out of his reverie, and Kylo stared back at him impassively as he murmured,

 

“I’ll only speak to Rey. Until she wakes up, I have nothing to say.”

 

Dameron’s eyes darkened, and then he shrugged one shoulder, tossing the rest of his caf out of the mug and sending it splattering onto the floor of Kylo’s cell.

 

“Oh, she’s awake. Did I forget to mention it?”

 

Ben’s guts twisted, his jaw going slack. He blurted out his next words unchecked, with no thought as to how pathetically frantic they sounded.

 

“I want to see her.”

 

“No.”

 

Ben glared at Dameron for a minute before an icy realization crept into his thoughts. Suddenly consumed by a darkness creeping into him that had nothing to do with the Force, he growled,

 

“She doesn’t know I’m here.”

 

It was a statement, not a question. Dameron kept his expression neutral as he confirmed,

 

“We agreed that it wasn’t in her best interests to…”

 

“How long has she been conscious?” Ben demanded, his temper spiking dangerously.

 

“A few days.”

 

Kylo Ren saw red. If there hadn’t been bars between them, or if he hadn’t been cut off from the Force, there was a strong possibility that Dameron wouldn’t have come out of the conversation in very good shape.

 

If at all.

 

“You’re not going to tell her,” Kylo accused, his lip curling.

 

Dameron shrugged, “Probably not. I mean, what would we tell her, anyway? You can’t even tell us what the hell you’re doing here, so…”

 

“When I get out of here,” Kylo murmured, his tone chilling even to his own ears, “I’ll might kill you for this.”

 

His blatant threat was met with a humorless smirk.

 

“See, now,” Dameron observed mildly, “That’s _exactly_ the kind of attitude that makes it unlikely you’ll ever get out of there at all, you know?”

 

Kylo knew it was foolish to threaten someone who clearly had the upper hand in the situation in almost every way possible, but he couldn’t help it. He stared back at the pilot, knowing that he was probably the de facto leader with his mother off-base. His mother’s pet, the one she was grooming. The one she trusted more than everyone else.

 

Ben wanted to tear him apart.

 

As though reading his thoughts, Dameron smiled with no small touch of maliciousness and gave him a small nod.

 

“Well, I have a base to run. See you around.”

 

With that, he strode away, leaving Kylo to deal with his roiling fury in the only way he knew how.

 

When the old man returned to the base after having brought Kylo Ren his meal that night, he shakily requested that a medical droid be sent down to treat the young man’s broken, bloody hands.

  


~~

  


If it weren’t for the damn ysalamiri, he would have felt it when it happened. He, of all people, wouldn’t have been the last creature in the galaxy to know.

 

It was the first time Dameron had been back since his unsuccessful attempt at interrogation a couple of days prior.  It was hard to read his expression in the dim light of dusk, but his stance was tense.

 

Ben stared at him, waiting, and felt a pulse of fear ripple through his gut as the other man uncharacteristically hung his head and drew a deep, shaky breath.

 

Something had happened. Something terrible.

 

“What is it?” Ben demanded, surging to his feet and stalking over to the bars.

 

Dameron shook his head, still staring at the ground as though preparing himself. Ben’s insides churned, and he got as close as his confines would allow, any pride he had once possessed along with any hatred he felt for the man in front of him a distant afterthought as he practically begged Dameron to speak.

 

“Is it Rey, is she alright?”

 

The pilot’s head jerked up, eyes finally meeting Ben’s. Ben realized that they were red-rimmed and glassy, and he barely had time to process what that meant when Dameron spoke, his voice carefully devoid of emotion.

 

“General Organa is dead.”

 

The words didn’t take root in Ben’s brain for a good thirty seconds, and all he could do was stare back at him and repeat, “Dead…”

 

“She was on her way back to base when it happened. We don’t have all the details yet, but it was a freak accident. A system failure on her ship that caused a chain reaction and took out the hyperdrive. There were no survivors.”

 

Ben didn’t know if Dameron said anything beyond that about what had happened to her, unable to hear anything over the rushing in his ears. He backed away from the bars slowly, not stopping until he felt his back hit the rock wall, and then slowly slid down to the ground, his fists resting on his drawn up knees.

 

_Dead._

 

His mother was dead.

 

When he came back to himself, Dameron was still speaking.

 

“Figured the decent thing would be to let you know. She was _your_ mother.”

 

A touch of bitterness laced his tone, as though he resented the fact. Ben felt a flare of indignation at this, as he stared at the man who most likely embodied everything that both of his parents had wished Ben would have grown up to be, but hadn’t.

 

Raising his eyes and staring Dameron in the eye, Ben said dispassionately, “I suppose she was, once.”

 

The pilot stared at him for a moment as though he wanted to say one last thing but thought better of it, then finally scrubbed a hand across his face and trudged away. Once he was out of sight, Ben let his eyes slide closed, swallowing convulsively as he felt something shatter inside him.

 

He’d spent the hours since he arrived dreading a reunion with Leia Organa. Now, the knowledge that he’d never see her again made him want to wither away into dust. Even if she wouldn’t get the satisfaction of watching him self-destruct, it seemed like the least he could do for her.

 

He bowed his head and allowed emptiness to overtake him. If he hadn’t been cut off from the Force, he would have felt it - the sudden hole in his consciousness that his mother used to occupy, the tangible absence of her Force signature from the galaxy. However, since he _was_ cut off, he knew these blows were yet to come the moment he reconnected. Assuming that ever happened.

 

It would be like getting the news all over again, only worse. He knew, in spite of his insistence to Snoke for nearly a decade that his family meant nothing to him, that it would gut him.

 

For the first time in ages, he wished he could speak with his uncle.

 

He wanted Rey beside him. He knew she had cared deeply about his mother - had sensed it. They could have shared their pain with each other, poured their hearts out together, if only she were there with him.

 

Perhaps most devastatingly of all, he yearned for the heavy, comforting hand of Han Solo on his shoulder. His gruff reassurance that things would work out alright.

 

But he had none of these things. Not anymore, and maybe never again.

 

He was bone-chillingly, soul-crushingly _alone_.

 

~~~

 

The next few days passed in a blur of lethal flatness. After his initial surge of sorrow, his emotions had dulled into a sort of vague, inescapable hopelessness. He felt like he was trapped in a time vortex, where sometimes hours flew by unnoticed and other times every second felt like an eternity.

 

The only thing keeping him from hurling himself headfirst into the jagged rock that made up his cell was the thought of Rey. That they might tell her he was there after all, that she might come to him eventually.

 

On the sixth day, the universe finally threw him a bone in the form of Dameron appearing outside of scheduled mealtime.

 

He had taken to delivering Ben’s rations personally, and Ben assumed it had less to do with compassion and more to do with wanting to keep close tabs on Ben’s physical and mental state in the wake of the news about Leia Organa. His mental state which was, admittedly, deteriorating.

 

On that sixth day, he handed over the rations dispassionately as ever - but then he spoke, which was unusual.

 

“It doesn’t have to be like this.”

 

Ben glanced sidelong at him, not bothering to grace his words with a reply. Undeterred, he went on,

 

“When you feel like sharing some information, maybe I’ll start feeling more sympathetic to whatever it is you came here to do. And then maybe we’ll let you chat with Rey. Just saying.”

 

Kylo watched him walk away, his resentment burning like an ulcer, and then got to his feet. The pilot’s words echoed through his brain. He was using Rey to try and manipulate him - trying to use what was between them to his advantage and to benefit his political ambitions, even if he didn’t understand the first thing about their bond or what it meant to them both.

 

Just as Snoke had done.

 

He felt the fury, the _disgust_ , rise in his gullet so violently that he thought he might be physically ill.

 

They thought they’d discovered a weakness, a crack in Kylo’s armor - thought they could exploit it, control it by surrounding him with slithering little Force-blocking beasts and threatening him with the idea of never being able to connect with her again.

 

_No._

 

He would not allow anyone else to use what he and Rey had to satisfy their ulterior motives. He’d killed Snoke for doing it, and he wasn’t about to let it happen again. What they had was theirs, and he’d be damned if he’d let it be taken away from them. At least not without doing everything in his power to stop them.

 

Eyes closed, he took a couple of steps back and then lowered himself until he had one knee on the ground, bowing his head as he concentrated. He pressed his still-tender knuckles into the hard dirt, using the pain to center himself. They throbbed in time with his heartbeat, and after a moment he felt himself slip into a calmer state. The sound of the wind howling past the cliff faded away as he counted the beats - _one, two, three..._

 

He could almost pretend that he could still feel her, that they weren’t farther apart than they’d been since the day they met in spite of the fact that they were in the same place physically. He could almost pretend that if he reached out to her, called to her, she’d hear him and would come to him.

 

Maybe he didn’t have to pretend. He didn’t know enough about their bond, no one did. It was unprecedented, as far as he knew from everything he’d ever been taught, everything he’d ever studied. Maybe it couldn’t be contained by something as mundane as a clutch of ysalamiri.

 

On that thought, desperate and melancholy and hopeful, her name floated from his lips unbidden.

 

“Rey…”

 

High above, in one of the nondescript mountainside dwellings, Rey gasped and dropped her datapad to the ground with a loud clatter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm trying to get better about responding to individual comments, but just in case I missed you on the previous chapters - THANK you to everyone who left comments and kudos. It's making me happy I delved back into fic writing!
> 
> I'm emmyjeanb on Tumblr.


	10. Chapter Ten

He hadn’t expected it to actually  _ work _ . 

 

So, when he was awakened from a fitful and thoroughly unsatisfying sleep a few hours later by the sound of her voice, he ignored it at first. Just rolled over, wincing at his aching shoulder and cursing his own overactive imagination.

 

It isn’t until she hissed his name a second time that he bolted upright. For about five stunned seconds, all he could do was stare breathlessly at her moonlit silhouette - and then he was surging to his feet and clambering over to her with all the grace of a lovesick blurrg.

 

“Rey,” he breathed, closing his fingers right over her hands where they clutched the bars in front of her. She was glaring up at him, looking absolutely murderous. He couldn’t get enough of the sight of her, real and warm and  _ there _ .

 

“What were you thinking, coming here?” she demanded, “You’re lucky they didn’t  _ kill  _ you!”

 

“I came for you,” he explained, his eyes devouring her face, “I left the First Order, Rey. I wanted to see you before I left for the Outer Rim…”

 

“Was that the plan? Then why are you rotting away in a cage on Rattatak right now instead of in the Outer Rim?”

 

His mouth twitched, “Well, Rattatak’s an Outer Rim planet, so technically…”

 

“Ben,” she warned threateningly, “This isn’t a joke. Wipe that smile off your face.”

 

He did as she asked, raising a brow at her and commenting mildly, “You don’t seem very happy to see me.”

 

“Should I be?”

 

“I have to admit, I was hoping for a gentler greeting.”

 

She softened a bit, her shoulders falling slightly as she whispered, “You’re lucky I’m standing here talking to you at all.”

 

“I was terrified when I heard you were hurt,” he rasped immediately, stroking his thumbs over her knuckles and watching as a small shudder rippled through her, “I didn’t give the order to attack that base. I’m sorry…”

 

She blinked at him, confused, and said, “That’s not what I meant. I meant that no one told me you were here. I might never have known.”

 

“That’s a distinct probability,” he agreed bitterly, “Dameron told me he had no intention of mentioning it to you.”

 

Her eyes flashed and Ben hoped rather maliciously that when she inevitably had to leave him, she would head straight to the pilot’s quarters, draw her weapon and slice an arm off. Or at least a few fingers. He didn’t think it was likely, but it played out nicely in his head. But Rey just shook her head and said,

 

“They wanted to protect me, I’m sure. They think you’re dangerous, and for good reason after that disaster on Crait.”

 

“They’re fools.”

 

“They’re not,” she bit back.

 

“They  _ are _ . Why not just kill me? It would be the smarter thing to do, strategically.”

 

“Because they’re good people, Ben.”

 

“Are they?” he challenged, not liking where the tone of the conversation was going but so wound-up he couldn’t help but escalate it, “What does that make me, then?”

 

She drew her hands away from the bars and his touch, and he had to consciously restrain himself from reaching through and trying to grab them back.

 

“I don’t know what that makes you.”

 

“Rey…”

 

“Maybe it was a bad idea, coming here,” she was saying, glancing around nervously, her expression crestfallen, “I just needed to see...I didn’t know you’d actually  _ be  _ here. I just felt something and I thought maybe...”

 

“Don’t go,” he begged, pressing his pounding forehead against the cold bars, “I’m sorry, I’ll drop the subject. Just...don’t go yet. Please.”

 

His plea was met with a long, drawn-out silence - but she wasn’t walking away. Not yet. Taking a breath, desperate to keep talking to her, he prompted gently, 

 

“Why  _ did  _ you come here? You said you felt something. What was it?”

 

She frowned as though trying to puzzle it out as she hesitantly ventured, “I  _ heard  _ you. It sounded like your voice, your mind connecting with mine through the Force, but muffled - almost like trying to hear someone underwater.”

 

“It’s the ysalamiri,” he told her, “The things in these cages. They evolved on a planet where their predators were Force-sensitive, and their defense mechanism is to create a barrier that the Force can’t get through. You shouldn’t have been able to hear me at all - obviously, our bond had other ideas.”

 

Rey met his eyes again and went on, “It’s hard to explain, but hearing you tipped me off that something was wrong and I reached out. It felt like there was a hole in the Force, a  _ void _ , somewhere on the mountain. Like a - a blind spot. I went looking for what was causing it, and found you.”

 

He felt a swell of pride in his chest that their bond had transcended every effort made to sever it, even if that wasn’t exactly the goal they had in mind when they’d thrown him in there. She was looking at him searchingly, her eyes bright with emotion even in the darkness of the cliffside where they stood, and she went on,

 

“The bond...it was cold when I woke up. At first I thought it was just because I’d been unconscious for so long, but then when days passed and I still couldn’t feel you at all, I was afraid. I felt like a piece of myself was missing.”

 

He nodded, holding her watery gaze as he admitted, “I know. I felt it, too.”

 

She let her eyes slide closed, then took a step forward and rested her own forehead on the bars. She seemed utterly exhausted. He wished he could wrap his arms around her - he’d never been able to do that, and the urge made his arms physically ache.

 

Perhaps it was that urge that made him suddenly bold. 

 

Unable to help himself, he pressed his lips to her forehead. He felt the small jolt of surprise that went through her, but she didn’t pull away. He tightened his fingers around hers, and they stood like that for a long moment, neither one daring to move.

 

It was he who finally broke the silence, and then only to whisper against her skin, “I’ve never felt more empty than I have in the past couple of days. You being here now means everything to me.”

 

She sighed softly in response.

 

“So, you left the First Order?”

 

“I had to. It offers nothing I want. Not anymore.”

 

Another heavy silence in which the only sound was the wind whipping across the jagged cliffside.

 

“You need to talk to them. The others. Make them see that you’re not a threat.”

 

Ben pulled back, brushing his nose against her forehead as he looked down at her face and replied, “How do you know I’m not?”

 

She froze, eyeing him warily, and asked, “ Are you?”

 

“Not to you,” he said, his voice a low rumble.

 

She looked exasperated and insisted, “That’s not good enough, Ben.”

 

“What do you want? For me to swear I won’t hurt your friends?” he asked, his tone mocking as he spoke the last word.

 

“Would your promises mean anything?” she shot back, and he felt stung.

 

“I’ve never lied to you,” he said flatly, “Which, at this point, is more than you can say for any of  _ them _ .”

 

He watched as his words hit her, her face falling and her brows crinkling as she thought them through. 

 

“Have they asked you for anything?”

 

“Just information,” he replied, “I’ve given them nothing. I didn’t come here to help them. I came to see you, and that’s all. I told him that.”

 

“Who?”

 

“The pilot,” Ben growled, “My guess is that he’s in charge now, after…”

 

He trailed off, feeling just as stricken as Rey suddenly looked. Her eyes filled with tears as she gazed at him.

 

“So then...they told you. About Leia.”

 

A long moment passed in silence before he felt composed enough to answer.

 

“Yes,” he replied quietly, ashamed as his voice cracked pathetically on that single syllable.

 

She swallowed hard and choked out, “Ben, I’m sorry.”

 

He did reach through the bars now, ghosting his fingertips across her cheekbone, effectively silencing her as he murmured, “She evaded death so many times that at some point, I just started to believe she was immortal.”

 

“I think we all believed that.”

 

Ben swallowed, moving his hand to cup her jawline. It was a bit awkward through the bars, but he found that now that he’d started touching her, he couldn’t seem to stop. She wasn’t pushing him away, so he certainly wasn’t going to force himself to refrain if she didn’t mind the contact.

 

“Don’t you want to get out of this cage?” she asked imploringly, “Don’t you want to get  _ off  _ this planet?”

 

He pressed his lips together, deliberating on how to answer - there were so many things he wanted to say to her, but he just wasn’t sure this was the right time. He wasn’t sure he was ready to say them, or that she was ready to hear them.

 

“This is where I need to be.”

 

“In prison?” she demanded, and he shook his head.

 

“It’s not about that.”

 

She blew out an exasperated breath and this time she did back away, eyeing him as she protested, “You can’t stay in there forever!”

 

“You don’t understand, do you?” he argued, his voice rising as he raked his fingers through his greasy, wild hair, “There’s exactly one person left in this galaxy who cares whether I live or die, and that’s you. So why would I leave ? Where else would I have to _go?”_

 

“Ben…”

 

“Tell me,” he snarled, angry now at the fact that she just didn’t seem to want to see everything he was trying to show her, “Tell me what I should do, Rey! Or do you just want me gone - is that it?”

 

_ “Ben.” _

 

He surged forward and grabbed the bars again, stooping so that he was at eye-level with her, and growled, “If that’s it, then just say it. I’ll make a deal with Dameron - prime First Order secrets in exchange for my freedom. A quick jump to hyperspace and I won’t be your problem anymore...”

 

She shut him up by abruptly pressing her lips to his.

 

At first he froze in shock, wondering again if maybe this  _ was  _ just a cruel fever dream. It was only when she stiffened and went to pull away, clearly feeling she’d made a grave mistake, that he shook himself out of his daze and reached for her before she could move away. 

 

Grabbing fistfuls of the jacket she was wearing, he hauled her up against the bars so hard that he actually heard the wind knocked from her lungs. Desperate and out of his mind with need now that she’d opened this floodgate, he brought his mouth crashing back down onto hers with a ferocity that knocked their teeth together.

 

To hell with restraint and denial. Ben couldn’t stand it anymore.

 

He snaked his arms around her waist, coaxing her lips open so he could delve between them with his tongue and taste her. Her hands came up to grip his shirt and soon they were desperately clutching at each other through the bars, each of them clinging to the closest thing they had to a lifeline as they poured all of their pent-up emotion and frustration and bottled up passion into that one kiss.

 

Ben had never kissed a woman before - not like this. He was running on pure instinct. All he knew was that if Rey pulled away from him now, he might die.

 

Which, of course, she did - leaving them both panting and staring into each other’s wide, glassy eyes. He bent his head to recapture her lips but was stopped when she spoke.

 

“I have to go.”

 

“ _ What _ _?”_ he gasped, hating himself for the naked panic in his voice as she tried to back out of his arms. He tightened his hold, unwilling to relinquish her and reeling from her apparent change of heart. She couldn't run away from this again. He wouldn't let her, prison or no.

 

“I need to go and talk to some people.”

 

“What? Who?” he questioned inanely, still trying to catch his breath and still holding onto her, “Rey, don't…”

 

She grasped his chin through the bars and gave him a quick but fierce kiss on the lips, taking advantage of his surprise to finally break free of him. She backed away, her eyes burning with resolve - among other things - as they held his.

 

And she was smiling.

 

“I’ll come back soon. I promise.”

 

Turning and scurrying back up the mountain, she was gone before his brain could catch up enough to give her a response.  He stood there for a long time, remembering how she'd tasted, the feel of her in his hands, against his body - even with the barrier between them. He felt like he was burning up.

 

And he also recalled the memory of their shared consciousness through the bond, which he suddenly missed so acutely in the aftermath of their conversation that he felt physically weakened.

 

_ I may not make it until you get back _ , he thought to himself as he slumped against the wall and put a hand over his aching, racing heart.

 

He wished he could send her the thought. He wished he could send her  _ many  _ thoughts. 

  
On a slightly different train of thought, he considered that he’d maybe come to hate ysalamiri even more than he hated protocol droids. Or Hux. 

 

Ben wasn’t the Supreme Leader anymore, but he could still state unequivocally and with conviction that there would always be certain things the galaxy would simply be better off  _ without _ .

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I guess I update my fics in tandem, basically? Who does that?
> 
> Thanks for all the comments and kudos, guys! You all are the best. Hope you liked this chapter! It's getting a little steamy on Rattatak...whew! Sorry I made you wait ten chapters for a kiss - or even for them to be physically next to each other. I'm a slow-burn kind of person.


	11. Chapter Eleven

She returned the very next night, after the base had gone quiet.

The minute he saw her picking her way down the rocky incline outside his cell, he shot to his feet and went to wait for her at the bars. His stomach clenched in vague nervousness and his palms were sweating - he’d thought of almost nothing but her from the moment she’d left him alone the previous day.

About that kiss.

When he wasn’t thinking about it, his mind automatically shifted to his mother, which he wasn’t prepared to confront in depth yet. Thoughts of Rey helped him to keep that at bay for now.

She hesitated somewhat shyly as she approached him, her eyes darting to the ground and back up as she whispered, “Hi.”

“Hi,” he whispered back, gazing at her, “I’m glad you came back.”

“I told you I would,” she replied, edging so close to the bars that she was almost pressed against them, “Did you think I wouldn’t?”

He shook his head slowly and thought for a moment before answering, “I’m too afraid to take anything for granted anymore. I can’t feel you like I could before, because of these damn things.”

He gestured to the ysalamiri in their cages, and Rey cocked her head in understanding.

“When I left you last night, I went to Finn. I asked him if he knew you were on base.”

Ben couldn’t help bristling at the mention of the traitor. He didn’t know if he had a problem with the man because he was holding onto residual anger over his defection - which he knew would be ridiculous, seeing as how Ben himself had now done the same thing - or if he was resentful of the closeness he shared with Rey.

Either way, he couldn’t help it.

“And?”

If she noticed the edge in his tone, she didn’t comment on it as she said, “He said he did. He said he didn’t want to put that burden on me.”

Ben stared at her and repeated, “Burden?”

“Yeah. Not until I was fully recovered.”

Ben snorted and replied, “What made him think that was even necessary?”

She seemed to falter a bit and admitted, “I - I haven’t exactly told them about us. About how it is now.”

Just the way she said it - _us_ \- made his heart speed up, and he swallowed hard and clarified, “No, I meant that you don’t need anybody protecting you from anything. What do they think you are, a child?”

She frowned, “Ben…”

“They don’t respect you,” he interrupted, his temper flaring and quickly spiraling out of his control, “They have no idea how much strength you have to offer…”

“Keep your voice down!” she hissed, looking around to make sure they were still alone, “Look, his heart was in the right place. He cares about me.”

Ben felt his stomach twist with bitter jealousy that he probably had no right to harbor.

“Does he?” he asked darkly.

Rey sent him a scathing glare and answered through gritted teeth, “Yes. He’s my friend. Is that a problem?”

The standoff lasted about ten seconds before Ben conceded defeat. He didn’t want to spend these stolen moments with Rey butting heads over things that he knew probably amounted to nothing. Sighing, he asked,

“What have you told them? Do they know about what happened with Snoke?”

She had the grace to look slightly ashamed before she answered quietly, “They know you killed him, but not that I had anything to do with it. The only person who did know is gone.”

Ben rolled his eyes and muttered, “That may be true for _one_ of us.”

Rey frowned, “What do you mean?”

“He hasn’t visited you, too?”

She stared at him for a long moment before replying slowly, “I was talking about your mother.”

It was Ben’s turn to look flabbergasted. They spoke again at the same time.

“You told my mother about us?”

“Are you talking about Luke?”

They stared at each other for a moment before she broke the silence first.

“Yes, I confided in Leia - I thought she deserved to know what you did for me. Saving my life. But hold on - what do you mean Luke has _visited_ you? He’s dead...I _felt_ him die...”

“The Jedi have the ability to manifest themselves in the Force as pure energy, even in death. If they choose to, they can communicate with the living.”

Rey’s mouth was hanging open as she looked at him with wide eyes.

“You mean that your uncle has been visiting you from the afterlife? That’s incredible!”

“No, it’s annoying,” he grumbled, “He’s trying to mend things between us. It only took him dying to decide he wanted to do it. It’s too little, too late.”

“No, it isn’t,” she protested, grabbing the bars in her excitement. Without missing a beat and aching to touch her again, he closed his hands over hers as he’d done the night before as she went on, “It’s a gift, Ben. Don’t turn your back on it.”

“Yeah, turning my back doesn’t help,” he replied, his mouth quirking, “He just keeps talking.”

She shot him a look, and he cut off whatever argument she was about to make by rasping, “Can I kiss you again?”

She blew out a slow breath and whispered, “It’s dangerous, Ben. If someone saw...”

“There’s no one here.”

Hesitating, she turned her head to look around. He grew impatient, never having been good with reining his emotions back.

“Please?”

She appeared to struggle with herself for a moment before tilting her chin up in a wordless invitation. He wasted no time, ducking his head and gently capturing her lips with his.

This kiss wasn’t like the one they’d shared the night before, hungry and desperate. This one was slow, gentle and achingly tender - it twisted Ben’s insides in a completely different way. By the time she pulled back, he was feeling it all the way down to his toes.

“I should get back,” she breathed, sounding like it was the last thing she wanted to do.

“Don’t go yet,” he implored, tightening his hands on hers over the bars, “Just stay a little while longer.”

“Ben,” she started, her voice serious, “I’m going to have to tell them.”

He frowned down at her and asked, “Tell them what?”

“Everything. About you, me, the bond...what happened with Snoke…”

“No,” he interrupted firmly, “Rey, they won’t understand.”

“They’re going to have to,” she insisted, her face a glorious mix of defiance and determination, “They can’t keep you in here forever - and besides, I’ve kept it from them long enough.”

“And what if they don’t take it well?” he asked, trying not to sound harsh but feeling suddenly panicked at all the possible outcomes, very few of which were good, “What if they stop us from seeing each other? Or worse, what if they throw you in here with me?”

She raised an eyebrow, “You think them throwing me in there would be worse? Because I’d take that in a heartbeat over not seeing you at all.”

It was the most blatantly sentimental thing she’d ever said to him. It took his breath away.

They looked at each other, holding each other's gaze for a long moment, before drifting slowly together. Their lips met, the kiss little more than a whisper of contact.

Rey pulled back slightly, her breath coming in short, sweet puffs against his lips, and she whispered, “I’m getting you out of there. I promise.”

“You are?” he rumbled back, brushing his long nose against hers between the bars and shuddering along with her, “And then what?”

“Then we’ll figure it out from there.”

He craned his neck toward her, silently begging for her mouth against his again, and she complied. This time, she opened for him and he swept his tongue across hers. With a soft groan, he murmured against her lips,

“Gods, Rey...you taste even better than Ryshcate…”

“You know, I’ve never really been a fan of Ryshcate myself.”

The voice booming from the shadows made them jump apart, Ben’s hand flying to his hip for a lightsaber that wasn’t there anymore. His eyes flew to Rey, whose expression twisted in fear as Poe Dameron stepped out into the moonlight, flanked by the traitor.

The pilot’s expression was flinty as he glanced back and forth between the two of them, but the traitor looked like he was about to be sick.

“Rey?” he ventured, frowning at her as though begging for her to offer some explanation as to why this could be anything other than what it was. Dameron cut him off.

“One of you wanna tell me what the hell this is?”

Rey’s gaze was trained on the traitor though, her hurt and betrayal wafting faintly around him through the bond in spite of the interference of the ysalamiri.

“You followed me?”

“That was Poe’s call, even though I told him you weren’t doing anything shady,” FN-2187 snapped, his face a mask of incredulity, “I guess I was wrong.”

“So, I get angry that I’m being kept in the dark about things after everything I’ve done for the cause, and suddenly you think I’m commiserating with the enemy?”

“Well, if we didn’t before, we sure do now,” Poe chimed in sharply, “I gotta say, I had my suspicions that our friend here had some weird fixation on you based on the way things went down. Not once did I ever consider the feeling was mutual.”

Rey winced, and Ben seethed.

“Rey, is he manipulating you somehow?” the traitor asked, stupidly hopeful, “Because if he is…”

“He’s not,” she insisted, giving her head a firm shake.

“Maybe he’s doing it without you knowing…you know, with the Force?”

Ben couldn’t help the sneer that curled his lip, and Dameron sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose as he said wearily, “He can’t. The ysalamiri keep him from using the Force.”

“The what?”

“The lizards,” Rey supplied, and the traitor glanced up at the cages as the wind went out of his sails. He looked back at Rey and said dejectedly,

“Then this - whatever it is. This is real?”

At this, Rey raised her eyes to meet Ben’s and she confirmed softly, “It’s real.”

There was a long, tense silence. Rey turned to stare defiantly at her friends, a not-insubstantial note of guilt in her beautiful eyes. The traitor stared back at Rey, looking more disappointed than angry, and Ben could feel Dameron’s eyes boring into the side of his face.

Ben, however, couldn’t tear his eyes away from Rey.

The line was being drawn in the sand, and she was standing with _him_. Somewhere deep down, he’d been suppressing a gnawing terror that when the time came to come clean about everything, she’d choose to rewrite history. Turn her back on him and what was between them. To grab onto her newfound family with both hands and leave him in the dust, just as she’d done in that throne room.

But she wasn’t. She was standing steadfastly between him and the people who hated him, making no apologies for their bond and everything it represented.

At least, she was so far.

The silence was broken, finally, by Dameron. Eyeing Ben one last time, he said gravely,

“Rey - I think you need to come with us. Now.”

Lifting her chin slightly, she replied, “You’re right. It’s time I told you everything.”

She gifted Ben with one last lingering glance before turning to lead the way back up the mountainside. The traitor moved to follow her.

“Wait.”

Both of them turned to look over their shoulders at Dameron. He glared at Ben and shook his head, blowing out a breath before speaking again.

“Finn, grab one of those cages.”

Ben felt his stomach clench as he looked up at Rey. There was no love lost between he and the two men in front of him, but his chest tightened at the plaintive, horrified expression on her face at the pilot’s order.

“You don’t _actually_ think I’d…”

“Poe,” the traitor interjected, his brow furrowed, “We don’t need that.”

Dameron turned careworn eyes to Rey, a flicker of regret lacing his gaze before it hardened again and he once again addressed FN-2187.

“Grab a cage, Finn. That’s an order.”


	12. Chapter Twelve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have been trying to be better with responding to all the comments but sometimes it gets away from me - make no mistake, I read every single one and am so grateful for them. 
> 
> Hope you enjoy this one!

Ben spent the next few hours crouched at the bars of his cell, fuming as he waited for someone to come back and tell him what the hell they were doing with her. Assuming someone would - he knew that keeping him informed of the goings-on of the base wasn’t exactly a priority for anybody. In reality, he was hoping against hope that Rey would come back to him on her own, but the more time that passed, the less of a possibility that seemed.

He clenched and unclenched his hands, his jaw set and every muscle in his body tense. He didn’t care what they thought of him, and he could care less what their opinions were about the connection between he and Rey. However, he knew that _she_ cared - for whatever reason, these people were important to her. He found himself panicking a little at the thought of what she might do - or stop doing - if she were faced with a choice between him and them.

Ben wasn’t altogether sure that he would win that battle, and it made him want to tear something apart. Unfortunately, he was in a prison made of stone, so his options were limited.

 _They don’t deserve her loyalty_ , he thought bitterly. Not if this was how they were going to treat her after everything she’d done for them on Crait - even before that, on Starkiller. He’d seen the reluctant distrust in Dameron’s eyes as he’d ordered her to go with him for questioning, had seen the crushed look on Rey’s face as they grabbed that ysalamiri to bring with them. As if they didn’t trust her, as if they expected her to use the Force against them.

They knew nothing of the Force, and so there was no way they could _ever_ understand the profound link that it had forged between them. The idea of speaking to them about it felt like an abomination, and the thought that they were forcing Rey to try to put it to words and justify it - and therefore, herself - was infuriating.

Finally, after what seemed like ages, he caught the sound of careful footfalls in the shadows outside his cell. Standing and squinting into the darkness, Ben quietly called out,

“Rey?”

Only it wasn’t Rey who emerged into the faint moonlight. It was the traitor.

The sight of him made Ben’s anger spike without warning, and he bared his teeth at the other man as he demanded, “Have you cuffed her to a table yet? Chained her to a _wall_?”

The traitor looked like Ben had physically struck him as he replied fervently, “What? No! That’s not…”

“That’s not what?” Ben interrupted, his voice soft but his tone dangerous, “That’s not what’s going on? It’s an interrogation, isn’t it?”

“It’s not an interrogation,” he protested, stepping closer and jutting his chin out defiantly, his eyes practically glowing with hatred, “We just want to know what the hell all this is about.”

“All what?” Ben asked, knowing exactly what the traitor was referring to but refusing to indulge him. His face heated up nevertheless at the memory of kissing Rey, and he was glad it was so dark.

“You know damn well what I’m talking about,” the other man - she fondly referred to him as _Finn_ \-  accused, “Which is why I’m here. You’re gonna tell me what I need to know.”

“I doubt it,” Ben retorted, narrowing his eyes.

The traitor’s face fell and he bit out, “You know, you really are a miserable bastard. No wonder there isn’t a single person left in the galaxy who cares whether you live or die.”

Ben found himself taken aback at the pain that sliced through him at these words - they forced the mental image of his mother to the forefront of his mind suddenly, and he grit his teeth against the wave of grief that hit him in its wake. No, he couldn’t think about her right now - he didn’t have it in him.

Sounding more defensive than he wanted to, he spat, “There’s still _one_ person who seems to.”

The traitor closed the distance between them as he whispered determinedly, “I know she does, and that’s why I came.”

He paused, and Ben just stared down at him, his chest tight as he waited for him to continue. Eventually, after a couple of bracing breaths, he did. Glancing back up to look Ben directly in the eyes, he pleaded,

“Look, Poe’s a good man. He cares, but his duty is to protect the Resistance. That’s his priority, and if he thinks that Rey may be compromised because of you…”

“If he does anything to hurt her, he’ll answer for it,” Ben cut him off, his anxiety and resentment getting the better of him.

“She’s not talking to Poe, she won’t even talk to me,” Finn implored, effectively ignoring Ben’s momentarily empty threat, “Poe - he put her on the defensive by bringing that thing, the lizard thing, with us. I just...”

The man sighed and shook his head as though he couldn’t believe what he was about to say.

“I thought you might shed some light on it to take the pressure off of her. Because I think you care about her, too,” he concluded, then eyed him shrewdly, “Don’t you?”

Ben looked at him - for maybe the first time, really looked. He couldn’t reach out to grasp at his thoughts with the Force, couldn’t do anything but read the expression on the man’s face - but with those limitations in mind, Ben couldn’t see anything but complete sincerity in his desire to help Rey.

Ben felt something he hadn’t felt in a very, very long time - a flicker of camaraderie.

After all, he could hardly fault anyone for caring that much about Rey. Not when Ben himself…

“Sir!”

The sudden shout make them both jump a bit, Finn hurling himself away from the bars so quickly he almost tripped on his own feet. Two rebel guards emerged out of seemingly nowhere and put an abrupt stop to their conversation. Finn stiffened at the sight of them, clearly taken aback, and one of them said a bit warily,

“Sir, Commander Dameron says he needs you back in the command center immediately.”

“Right, sure,” Finn replied, placing his hands on his hips and then dropping them awkwardly to his sides before finally deciding on folding his arms as he tried and failed miserably to look as though he hadn’t been doing anything shady, “I’ll just, uh...finish interrogating this prisoner, and then I’ll be right behind you.”

The two guards looked at each other, a silent exchange happening between them, and then the other one said, “Sorry, Finn, but he asked us to bring you, too.”

Finn blinked at them and repeated, “ _Bring_ me?”

“Yes. You and the prisoner.”

With that, the second guard proceeded to grab one of the ysalamiri cages and hook it to a loop on her belt. Ben almost laughed - neither of them would stand a chance up against him in a combat situation even without the Force, but his lack of desire for any kind of conflict while he was still on base hadn’t changed. Unless Dameron had treated Rey badly - although in reality he knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that Rey could take care of herself.

He’d seen it - had counted on it, once. He couldn’t deny that a large part of him had been sitting there in his cell after they’d taken her away, hoping that she’d eventually come barreling back down the hill with her weapon drawn and tell him that she’d fallen out with Resistance leadership and that they would have to escape on a stolen ship into the Unknown Regions together after all.

Sadly, that’s not what happened, and now he was being led away from his cell in cuffs once again.

As they walked away from the stone cave, Ben felt something begin to happen to him - for a moment, it felt almost as though he was about to be sick. That initial unpleasantness quickly passed, and the feeling that washed over him afterwards was one of immense relief. It reminded him of the feeling of stepping out of a steam room into the cool air, and it suddenly became easier to move, to simply _breathe_.

His heart leapt as he realized - _it was the Force_. It was flooding back into him, filling him, washing the sand and miserable fog from his brain. Trying to remain discreet since he knew there was no way they could know what was happening unless he gave himself away, he glanced briefly at the lone ysalamiri - it must have been the sheer number of the things that had kept the Force at bay, he mused.

Apparently, one wasn’t enough to block him from connecting with it.

As his senses embraced the presence of his power again, readjusted after being bereft of the connection for so long, he began to once again sense Rey’s Force signature. It was fainter than it would have been without the one ysalamiri hanging in the cage to his right, but it was _there_. It felt like home, and he could have collapsed with joy at the beautiful familiarity of it, the steadfast warmth in the Force that assured him that she was still there, and she was alright.

His intense relief was short-lived, however, as he was soon accosted. Not physically, but spiritually.

“Just stay calm and don’t do anything stupid. Well...don’t do anything  _else_ that’s stupid.”

Luke Skywalker had, once again, arisen from non-existence.

Ben closed his eyes and sighed, refusing to acknowledge him. He couldn’t talk to him just then without looking like a maniac anyway, and he didn’t want to do anything that might cause the guards to walk him back to that stifling, freezing cave.

He’d choose even Skywalker’s company over that.

So, he simply grimaced as he continued marching between the guards across the rocky incline, now able to feel the vibrations of nervous energy that were radiating off of the traitor behind him. He was sorely tempted to glare at the man over his shoulder and tell him to pull himself together.

Luke, for his part, was still talking. Of course.

“I want you to stay calm, Ben. This is your chance to change your situation, as long as you don’t blow it. And you do have a history of doing that.”

Ben rolled his eyes, literally biting into his tongue. The last thing he needed right then was a lecture.

“Although,” his uncle continued thoughtfully, a hint of humor in his voice, “I have to say, as much as I was initially opposed to this course of action, you certainly seemed to make the most of your incarceration.”

Unable to help himself, he cast a sidelong glance at Luke as horror rolled in his gut - he knew that the lack of visitation from his uncle-turned-tormentor was due to Ben’s inability to connect to the Force. It hadn’t even occurred to him that his uncle, being a ghost, might not experience the same limitation. His time with Rey played out in his mind like a holo, and he cringed inwardly at the thought of what Skywalker might have seen, feeling a bit violated.

Luke must have read the look on his face, because he laughed lightly and said, “Trust me, I made myself scarce pretty quickly once I realized which way the wind was blowing. I figured I’d feel it when you found the Force again, there was no need for me to hang around. Even though I was worried sick, you know.”

Ben sighed, unable to respond, but inadvertently feeling a big gratified at his uncle’s statement.

Before he could contemplate further, they were herded into a small, well-lit hut at the center of the base. There hadn’t been many people to see them cross the compound, it being the middle of the night, and there were only two other people in the hut itself - Dameron, and Rey.

Ben nearly rushed over to her before he remembered himself and the predicament they were both was in. She looked up when they came in and her eyes were alight - he knew she’d felt the reawakening of their bond, too, although it was dimming again with the combination of the two ysalamiri whose cages were both now resting on the small table in the center of the room.

Dameron, for his part, looked exhausted and beyond frustrated as he eyed both Ben and Finn when they walked in. Nodding to the two guards who had accompanied them, he said,

“You can both go. We’re good here.”

The guards didn’t hesitate, obviously deciding they wanted nothing to do with being in any sort of small enclosed space with Kylo Ren. Ben wondered briefly how much they knew about his current status with the First Order, but didn’t get the chance to think too hard before Dameron was addressing the three of them.

“Alright, let’s cut the crap. What the _hell_ is going on here?”

Everyone was silent for a long moment, the tension in the room so thick you could slice through it with a lightsaber. Dameron pinned Ben with a glare, Finn looked pleadingly at Rey - and Rey and Ben only had eyes for each other.

And on top of it all, he could feel Luke’s presence burning a hole in the atmosphere right beside him. He had wondered briefly if Rey would be able to see him, too - apparently not, as she’d made no indication that she could.

Finally, the traitor was the one who spoke first.

“Look, Poe…”

He didn’t get far before he was unceremoniously cut off by Dameron, who stood up and paced as he spoke, his words terse and laced with irritation.

“I really don’t get it. These two,” he gestured at the space between Rey and Ben, “Were ready to cut off each others’ limbs a couple of days ago, and today they’re whispering sweet nothings to each other through his prison bars.”

Ben watched as Rey winced and then turned his glare on the pilot, wanting to hit him.

“Easy, Ben.”

His uncle’s voice was low, soothing - unbelievably, it sort of worked. That was new, since it usually did the exact opposite, but this time Ben unclenched his fists as Dameron kept talking, pointing at the traitor.

“And you? What the hell were _you_ doing down there? Don’t tell me you two were caught making out, too?”

Finn and Rey both rolled their eyes as the traitor replied, “Come on, don’t act like this. I was trying to help.”

“Help who?” Poe asked, his hands on his hips now as he narrowed his eyes, “The Resistance?”

“Yes, the Resistance - but also, Rey,” Finn ground out, glaring right back, “I could tell you didn’t trust her, and I thought if I could get the story from him instead…”

“What made you think he would tell you anything, or that you could trust anything that came out of his mouth?” Dameron demanded, jerking his head in Ben’s direction, “He’s a _psychopath_!”

At this, Rey spoke up, “No, he’s not. You don’t understand, there are things neither of you know…”

“Oh, really?” Dameron exclaimed sarcastically, rounding on Rey, “Should I do something about that, like maybe try and ask someone who is supposedly loyal to the cause and might have answers? Oh, that’s right - I already did that, and _she’s_ not giving anything up!”

Rey got to her feet too, and Ben didn’t miss the twitch of Poe’s fingers next to his blaster. Ben’s edginess left him in a whoosh, though, as he looked back at Rey - her eyes were burning, her jaw clenched - she was furious.

She was _beautiful_.

“You didn’t exactly create a safe space for sharing!” she hurled back, giving as good as she got.

“What do you mean?”

“What’s with the ysalamiri?”

Dameron shrugged, although his lips twisted a bit, betraying his attack of conscience at her words.

“You’re at an advantage, Rey. You always are - you have the Force. I never minded, in fact I was glad of it, until earlier tonight. Literally in the arms of the enemy.”

“He may not be the enemy anymore, Poe,” Finn spoke up, shocking Ben with his unexpected - but obviously still grudging - support, “He said he left the First Order.”

“He was the Supreme Leader,” Dameron said flatly.

“Because he killed Snoke!” Rey interjected.

“You don’t just _leave_ an organization that’s basically shaped who you are, just like that. Especially not the First Order. That’s not how it works.”

At this, Rey glanced quickly at Finn. Ben followed her gaze and found Finn staring at Poe with a hardened expression.

“That’s exactly what I did. Do you doubt me, too?”

Poe had the grace to look ashamed before blowing out a breath, scrubbing a hand across his face and plunking down into his chair.

“Look, guys, I don’t know what to do here. I’m at a loss, and I’m just trying to get it all straight but no one is cooperating.”

Poe looked up, pinning Ben with his eyes, “You have anything you want to add, here?”

Ben returned his intense stare for a long moment before replying, “No.”

“Great,” Poe muttered, then shook his head and addressed Rey and Finn, “Maybe I seem harsh, but my responsibility is to the _Resistance_. All those people out there on that base, they’re counting on me to make the tough decisions, no matter what my personal feelings are. Do you have any idea what that’s like?”

Now it was Rey and Finn who looked chagrined, both of them dropping their gazes to their boots under Poe’s scrutiny.

“I do.”

It was only when all three of them turned their heads to stare at him in surprise that Ben realized the words had come from his own mouth. Now that they were out, he couldn’t take them back, and so he held Dameron’s gaze unapologetically. Finally, the other man sighed again.

“So why don’t you help me out, then, chief?”

“What do you want me to tell you?” Ben grit out, tired of the questioning, tired of everything. Wishing he could be alone with Rey again. She was so close to him that if he reached out, he could touch her.

Too bad he was still cuffed.

“What happened with Snoke?” Dameron was asking when he came back to himself.

He froze, then looked at Rey. Her eyes were inscrutable, and he couldn’t tell what she wanted him to say. In the end, he stared for so long that it gave his uncle the opportunity to speak instead.

“Ben,” he said quietly, his voice thin because of interference from the two ysalamiri who were still not enough to block Ben from the Force on their own, “Just tell the truth.”

It was so simple, so seemingly juvenile - people with power didn’t have to adhere to tired old adages like ‘honesty is the best policy’ or ‘the truth will set you free’.

Except that in that moment, it really did seem like it might do just that for Ben. And in that moment, freedom - both literal and figurative - sounded so irresistible that he found himself doing exactly what he’d insisted he wouldn’t do from the moment they’d locked him up.

He started talking.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And - huzzah, Ben is finally out of jail. We'll see if he can stay that way (but FYI-slash-spoiler alert: we're definitely done with the lizards because I missed Force Ghost Luke way, WAY too much). Which, by the way - stay tuned for Ben and Luke to confront their grief over Leia (in case you thought I forgot about that). Get your hankies ready. 
> 
> Thanks for reading and commenting!


	13. Chapter Thirteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long, I sort of got writer's block and then hung up on my other fic as I tried to use it to get OVER the writer's block. I'm still not sure how this turned out, but hopefully it'll be back to regular updates for this one, too. Thanks to those of you who are still following this!

He was sitting on the floor of his cell later that night when Rey came to him.

Not in person, but through the bond. Ben’s head snapped up at the telltale swish, and he couldn’t decide if he was disappointed or not. On one hand, she appeared as though she were actually in the cell with him and not separated from him by bars. On the other, he still wasn’t completely sure how the mechanics of the bond worked, so he was unsure if pulling her against him and kissing her until they were both out of their minds was on the table or not.

For now, he settled with rising to his feet and slowly closing the distance between them. Her eyes were weary and, when she spoke, her voice had all the hoarseness of a person who’d spent the better part of the last several hours arguing.

“What’s the verdict?” he asked softly, his eyes roving her face, “Execution?”

“No,” she replied forcefully, her brows knitting, “You have to know that I’d never have allowed that.”

He looked down at her warmly, “You wouldn’t?”

“Of course not,” she insisted, obviously finding the very idea of it ridiculous, “I’d have broken you out of here before I’d let that happen.”

“Then what?” he asked, taking another step closer to her, “Would you have run away with me?”

She opened and shut her mouth a couple of times before shaking her head, “It doesn’t matter, because execution isn’t on the table.”

“Then what?”

She held his gaze for a long moment before she told him, on a sigh, “Looks like it’s going to be exile.”

He nodded slowly, pondering this, and then said, “I imagine I have you to thank for that.”

“You’re thanking me? For arguing on behalf of your exile?”

He shrugged and replied flatly, “Better than execution. Depending on where they send me.”

Blowing out a breath, she sat down on what looked like thin air to him and shook her head again.

“Actually, I wasn’t alone. Finn was pushing just as hard as I was for exile over death.”

“Finn?” he repeated, frowning, “FN-2187?”

“That’s not his name anymore,” she corrected tiredly, rubbing her eyes, “Please stop using it.”

Ignoring her demand, he asked, “Why would he argue on my behalf?”

Rey looked up at him and held his eyes as she explained, “Because he knows what it’s like to want to leave the First Order behind. He knows what it’s like to want to start over, and he thinks that even you should be given that chance.”

He was silent for a long moment, then repeated, “Even me.”

Squirming a bit where she sat, she clarified, “His words, not mine. You did slice his back open once.”

At this, Ben blinked, because he’d actually very nearly forgotten about that. It seemed so long ago - a lifetime ago. He was sure FN-2187 hadn’t forgotten, which made his defense of Ben that much more unexpected.

“So,” he said, his voice even, “I’m to be abandoned on some desolate planet somewhere and left to fend for myself?”

She winced, but replied, “Basically, that’s the idea. Negotiations aren’t over yet, but...”

He nodded again as she trailed off, and they fell into a heavy silence. He walked over to where he’d been sitting before and slid down to the floor with his back against the wall, resting his forearms on his drawn-up knees as he stared intently at her.

“Why didn’t you come to me in person?”

Her eyes shot to his then, and she looked confused by the question.

“Because I didn’t think it would help your case.”

“My case?”

“They’d be less inclined to listen to me if they thought…”

“What?” he interrupted quietly, smirking, “That you were biased in my favor? I’m pretty sure they already think that, Rey.”

She sighed, “Maybe. Probably.”

“It’s true, though...isn’t it?”

Sending him a small smile, she confessed, “You know it is.”

“Nothing to lose, then,” he rasped, “So get down here.”

“I’m here already,” she replied, but the breathy quality of her voice betrayed her.

“I want to touch you.”

He watched, swallowing hard against the lump in his throat, as her eyes slid closed.

“Ben, I can’t. Not tonight, not when we’re still in discussions...”

“Yes, you can,” he insisted, “Rey, I came here for _you…_ ”

“I know.”

“They already know what’s between us,” he persisted, “Why rely on the bond to see each other when we don’t have to? Just...come down here.”

She stared at him, not bothering to hide the longing in her eyes that Ben knows without any doubt is reflected right back in his own.

“Please?” he implored, his voice cracking embarrassingly, just before the bond snaps shut.

He tried and failed to stave off the ache in his chest that only intensified as the night wore on and she didn’t appear.

 

~~

 

He’s awakened the next morning by the sound of his meal tray being slid through the bars. Grimacing, he unfolded himself from the hunched position in which he’d fallen asleep, his bones popping as he made his way to his tasteless protein slop. When he finally bent to pick it up, he froze.

Along with the typical offerings the Resistance had been graciously providing him to keep him from starving to death before they could punish him properly, there was a generous portion of Ryshcate on his tray.

His eyes snapped up and he caught sight of Rey, standing away from the bars with her arms folded, hiding in the shadows of the cliffside.

“You didn’t show up last night,” he accused mildly, drinking in the sight of her.

“I told you, I couldn’t.”

“It was a long night of waiting,” he replied, and she sighed.

“The Ryshcate is supposed to make up for that,” she quipped, and he didn’t smile.

“It doesn’t.”

She rubbed at her temples and said tiredly, “Ben, the situation is just too delicate right now. I had to practically sell my soul to get them to let me deliver your breakfast alone."

“It was never going to be easy, Rey,” he said, moving to the bars, food all but forgotten, “Come here.”

“No. I’m almost sure they sent someone to follow me and keep an eye on us.”

“I don’t care who’s watching,” he grit out, closing his hands around the cold metal and wishing he could tear it loose, “It won’t be anything they haven’t already seen. Come _here_.”

“Will you stop!” she burst out, hands in fists at her sides, “I’m trying to get you out of this with as little mess as possible!”

“You already negotiated exile for me!” he snarled, frustrated beyond reason, “All that’s left is to decide where to put me...”

“That’s _not_ all!  We’re still…”

“...at which point I may never see you in person again!”

She looked stricken at this, as though it was the first time she was considering that possibility. In truth, it hadn’t really occurred to him before either, and he was repulsed at the idea. Sighing, he dropped his forehead against the bars.

“Please come over here. Just for a few minutes, I promise.”

After what seemed like an eternity, her shoulders finally slumped in acquiescence as she made her way over to him. The second she was within arms reach he shoved his hand through the bars to grasp her elbow and pull her close. She didn’t resist anymore, obligingly lifting her face so that he could nuzzle her nose with his.

“We’re still discussing conditions, things that’ll have to be agreed to if they’re going to let you live,” she told him, her breath sweet-smelling as it tickled his face, “They want me to use this, what we have, to make you talk.”

He smiled and teased in a low voice, “You ate some of that cake on the way down here, didn’t you?”

“Did you hear what I just said?” she asked, although her cheeks did turn pink at his accurate guess.

“Yes, but I’m pretending I didn’t because I don’t want to waste time talking about any of that.”

“Ben…”

Half to shut her up and half because he couldn’t help himself, he grasped her chin firmly between his thumb and forefinger and kissed her. She let out a little whimper that went straight to his head - and his groin. He brushed her lower lip with his tongue and she opened up for him easily, allowing him to taste her.

She did taste like Ryshcate. The first time he’d tasted it in years, stolen from her delectable mouth. It was nothing short of sublime, and he broke the kiss to bend down and break off a piece of what was on his tray.

Without saying a word, he brought the cake up to her lips and watched ravenously as she let him feed it to her. He’d fantasized about feeding her so often that it was almost shameful, and he was literally trembling with excitement as her tongue darted out catch a crumb and accidentally brushed his thumb.

He waited until she was finished with it, then caught her mouth in another kiss, groaning as his tongue delved past her lips to chase the lingering, heady sweetness there. He wanted to taste the rest of her body to see if she was just as sweet in other places, and the thought made him go so hard it was almost painful.

She pulled back and panted, “That cake was for _you_.”

“Yes, thank you,” he mumbled, undaunted as he chased her mouth, “I’m thoroughly enjoying it.”

She took a little step backwards and his hands shot out instinctively to keep her from pulling away, landing on her ass and kneading it mindlessly as he roughly yanked her close again.

“Oh, R’iia’s shorts,” she breathed, earning her a strangled laugh just before he brought his mouth crashing down on hers again. She reached through and fisted her hands in his shirt, pulling so hard he thought she might rip it. He didn’t care...he didn’t care about anything but this. Her.

“If I _do_ talk,” he asked against her lips between kisses, “If I tell them what they want to know about the First Order, can I have this? Will they let me have you?”

“What?”

“If I talk, what do I get in return?”

Rey began to pull away as she replied, “They’re not killing you. Isn’t that enough?”

Out of his mind with need, he moved his hands to clasp her face as he babbled, “No, it’s not. Rey, you can break me out of here right now and we can disappear together. Leave it all behind.”

“Ben,” she interrupted firmly, her hands reaching up to encircle his wrists, trying to stabilize him, “You've made that suggestion before, and I’m still not going to do it. But no matter what happens, nobody can break our bond…”

“The bond isn’t enough anymore,” he growled, dragging his nose across her cheek and wanting desperately to kiss her neck but unable to reach, “I want you like this, real and warm and solid. Not in unpredictable, short snippets. Don’t lie to me and say you don’t.”

Abruptly, she pulled his hands off of her and stepped back, her expression wrecked and irritated and breathtaking.

“I _never_ said I didn't. But it doesn’t matter what I want, and it certainly doesn’t matter what _you_ want. There are bigger things at stake here than...this.”

“No, Rey,” he contended adamantly, “This is the _only_ thing left that matters to me.”

“But it’s not the only thing that matters to _me!”_ she hissed, pushed to her breaking point.

Her words shouldn’t have cut into him the way they did - he knew she had other things, other people, in her life. He knew that she ascribed some importance to the Resistance and what it stood for, that her instinct was always to protect others, in spite of the life she’d led before running into that damn droid. Of course he had known, on some level, that she loved her friends.

She couldn’t help that, no more than he could help the fact that she was the only person in the whole fucking galaxy that he loved.

And he did love her. Wretchedly, completely. With everything he was or ever had been, good and bad - he loved her. He would do anything, give up anything if it meant he could be with her.

But they never had been on the same page. Maybe they never would.

Unbidden and without warning, his frustration boiled over into something more akin to rage. He saw red for the first time in a long time. He wasn’t fully aware that he was doing it until it was already done, and then he found himself staring at his tray of food - including the Ryshcate, specially procured and tenderly delivered - as it slid in clumps down the rock wall where he’d hurled it in a fit of wounded, heartsick temper.

Breathing heavily, struggling to rein in his emotions, he looked miserably back at her and found her regarding him with withering contempt. A glint of disappointment in her eye - again - as she muttered,

“There are other people in the galaxy who are important to me, and I won't apologize for that. And I'm definitely  _not_ bringing you another tray.”

With that, she turned on her heel and stalked away, leaving him unsatisfied and feeling as though he couldn’t decide if he was contrite or indignant. In the end, he settled on hopeless - and over the next couple of days, when she didn't appear to him in any form, that hopelessness morphed into resentment.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, I know - I want him out of the prison too, but I felt like he needs to be in there for a bit longer to make it seem realistic (I mean, as far as a space saga goes). Plus I sort of just wasn't done with the angsty make-out sessions through the bars, so...there's that. Also, I wanted a chapter where Ben is unhealthily clingy and emotionally needy because dude has issues.
> 
> The plot will be advancing next chapter, I swear (and yes, more Force Ghost Luke - it's these damn ysalamiri, I tell you)!


	14. Chapter Fourteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...there were a few people who felt Rey was too harsh in the last chapter. I read back a little bit and you know - they were right. It had been so long since I updated, I think my tone was a little off. So, I revised the chapter a bit - give it a reread if you want, but if not, the plot doesn't really change. I just think it's more consistent.
> 
> Anyway, thanks to everyone for ALL feedback as always. I really do appreciate it!
> 
> ~~

A couple of days later, an armed squadron showed up outside of his cell. Ben looked up blearily, unfazed by the blasters, and zeroed in on Poe Dameron’s grim face.

“Did you change your minds?”

“About what?” Dameron asked flatly.

“Is it going to be execution after all? Is this my firing squad?”

The pilot hesitated briefly before responding, “No. You’re still being sent into exile.”

Ben nodded, his eyes flickering across the nameless group of faces, looking for Rey. He wasn’t surprised when he didn’t see her - she’d made her position very clear the last time he’d seen her, and he’d spent the time since shoring up his walls.

He’d once extolled to her the virtues of letting go, and now he knew that it’s what he needed to do as well. He’d lose what was left of his mind if he didn’t. He needed to stop holding out for something that was never going to be his - not the way he wanted it to be.

They unlocked his cell and two guards came in and dragged him out of it. He went willingly, too tired to struggle - and even if he wanted to, he had nowhere to go.

“You’re not bringing my little friends?” he quipped, eyeing the ysalamiri cages where they still hung on the rock wall.

“No,” Dameron replied, “They’re not necessary anymore.”

“You’re not afraid I’ll…”

“If you try, we’ve got it covered.”

“You do,” Ben said, his skepticism making it sound more a statement than a question.

“Yeah, we do,” Dameron retorted lightly, “Because unlike the night you showed up here, Rey’s awake now. I am fully confident in her ability to throttle you if needed, especially since she’s done it before.”

Ben couldn’t help the little upturn of his mouth as he replied, “She’s not here, though.”

“She’s waiting with the ship.”

He turned, glancing sharply at the other man as he asked, “What ship?”

Dameron returned his stare, puzzled, before realization dawned and he huffed a little laugh before replying, “Don’t worry, not _that_ ship. I thought about it, because it would be poetic, but Rey wouldn’t allow it and I didn’t want to poke the loth-cat again.”

Ben slowed and repeated carefully, “Poke the loth-cat?”

The pilot looked at him and shook his head as he muttered, “Even after you explained about Snoke, the bond and the visions and all that, I still don’t quite understand how you two went from trying to decapitate each other with lightsabers to...whatever is going on now, but…”

“Nothing is going on now,” Ben said decisively, emotionlessly.

“Yeah, well you wouldn’t know it from the way she begged and bargained for your life.”

Now, Ben stopped short and glared. The rest of the escort party stopped too, taken aback, their hands on their blasters as they eyed him distrustfully. Ben swallowed and said,

“You’re lying. Rey’s never _begged_ for anything in her life.”

“Believe what you want, but keep walking,” he motioned with his blaster, “The sooner we get you off this base, the better.”

Ben complied with clenched fists. After a moment, Dameron added, “But just to clarify - yes, she begged, but not with tears and sobbing. Like I said - loth-cat. I sincerely did think she was gonna claw my face off at one point. Wouldn’t let up until we reached a compromise.”

“Sounds more like you capitulated.”

Poe scowled and said, “Here’s a newsflash, buddy - I don’t capitulate.”

Ben slowed at the prickle on the back of his neck that alerted him to Skywalker, who had just materialized beside him. Ben glanced at him, then picked up the pace. With Poe on once side, his uncle on the other, the armed escort behind him and Rey waiting up ahead, he suddenly felt suffocated. All he wanted to do was get away from everyone.

“You said Rey was waiting by the ship…” Ben began irritably, and Dameron cut him off before he could finish.

“She’s taking you to where you’re going to be for the foreseeable future.”

“And where’s that?”

“Skywalker’s _almost_ unfindable island,” the pilot replied, “Ahch-To.”

Ben blanched and glared furiously at his uncle, who refused to meet his eyes but whose mouth was twitching suspiciously under his ethereal beard.

“Don’t look at me,” he said mildly, “It was Rey’s idea. I’ve gone to my eternal rest, remember?”

“You really haven’t,” Ben muttered under his breath, infuriated beyond belief that he was about to be incarcerated on the island his uncle had scuttled off to after everything that had happened. God knows what he’d found there, or left there...

Maybe he _did_ prefer the damn cell.

By the time they were at the shuttle and he was face-to-face with Rey, Luke was gone.

She tried to catch his eye, but he barely looked at her as they loaded him into the shuttle and cuffed him to the wall. He shot Dameron a look, who nodded as if to agree with Ben’s unspoken assessment that the cuffs were stupid, considering he was now connected to the Force again and could free himself at any time.

“Gotta make people feel like we’ve got it under control.”

“Even if you don’t?”

“I thought you said you understood what it was like to lead.”

Ben searched Dameron’s face for any sign of disingenuousness or sarcasm, and was somewhat surprised to find he couldn’t see any. He drew a breath and said,

“I do. Even though I was never very good at it.”

“Yeah, well,” Dameron replied, scratching his neck before he met Ben’s eyes and said quietly, “I’m no Leia Organa, either.”

It came as something of a surprise that Ben felt no anger at the sound of his mother’s name coming from this man’s mouth, but he found he truly didn’t. Instead, he flinched as the pain he’d been trying to push down came flooding back to him. Poe seemed troubled by it, as though the raw reaction was ruining all of his preconceived notions about Ben and forcing him to reevaluate.

“Listen,” he said, glancing over his shoulder at where Rey was saying her farewell to the traitor before leaning in and confessing, “For the record, I argued in favor of keeping execution on the table mostly for show. People needed it to be on the table. You’ve done a lot of horrible things to a lot of people, Ren.”

Unsure of where the conversation was going, Ben didn’t respond except to nod. Sighing, Dameron finished,

“And to be honest, I feel like saving your life is the last act of service I can do for Leia.”

Ben’s lips quirked and he said, “I’m not sure she’d have endorsed your choices.”

Dameron looked like he was about to say something, to argue, but thought better of it and shrugged as he turned to leave. He descended the ramp, calling over his shoulder,

“Maybe not - she usually didn’t. Anyway, have a pleasant trip - and uh, thanks for getting rid of Snoke for us.”

Ben had to bite back a curse. He really did hate that damn pilot.

Rey hadn’t been the one to put the cuffs on, but he was still surprised when - after the ramp was up and she had seen to setting their coordinates and getting them into hyperspace - she walked over and willingly unlocked them.

He’d erected walls to protect himself, his mind and heart, from any more damage but he could still feel her. Confined as they were in the small ship and with her standing in front of him, staring down at him with her shining hazel eyes, he couldn’t help but catch vague whiffs of her emotions.

 _Nervousness. Longing. Hope. Doubt._ It was a maelstrom of contradiction, and he abruptly stood so that he could look down at her instead of up.

“ _Luke’s_ island?” he asked scathingly, watching her wince, “I hope you see the irony in the fact that you once refused to reveal its location to me, and now you’re personally flying me there. Is this you making some kind of sick concession? Giving me _one_ thing I asked you for, after I don’t want it anymore?”

“It wasn’t a decision made to torture you,” she said quietly, refusing to step back from him, “It’s a place where you can reconnect with the Force in its purest form, where you can live simply and unburdened by…”

“I’ll never be rid of my burdens, Rey, no matter how much meditation I do,” he interrupted bitterly.

“You told me once that I needed to let go,” she continued gently, her hand encircling his wrist, “I think you need to start taking your own advice, Ben.”

“I’m working on it,” he muttered, pulling his hand away from her and turning to stare out the viewport.

She didn’t bother him again, walking silently to the back of the shuttle and cluttering around as she pulled together something to eat. He found himself slightly surprised at the fact that she trusted him enough to leave him in the cockpit by himself, but then considered there was probably an access code or something that you have to punch in to use the control panel.

That, and no matter how many walls he erected, he could never fully hide his mind from her again. She knew damn well he didn’t have any other option but to be exactly where he was - and she knew that even if he did, he wasn’t sure he’d be able to bring himself to leave.

It chafed.

 

~~

 

He couldn’t sleep. He had never been a good sleeper, for various reasons and the stale, recycled air on the ship didn’t help. So he sat with his back against the wall in the darkened cockpit, staring out into the blue of hyperspace and trying to find a neutral headspace.

“You’re gonna send yourself into hyper-rapture.”

Ben glanced sideways at the blue glow of his uncle and murmured, “I don’t believe it exists. Never have.”

“No?”

Ben sighed, “I’ve spent a lot of time staring out into hyperspace, and I’ve never felt anything more than slight motion-sickness.”

Luke shrugged and replied, “I always found it soothing, myself. Helpful when I wanted to clear my mind.”

“Yeah, me too.”

His uncle sat, hands on his knees, and observed, “You’re disappointed in her. Rey.”

Her name physically stung him.

“I’m disappointed with everything,” he replied, although it was without rancor for once, “Same as always.”

“She really did fight for you, you know.”

“So I heard,” he replied dully, “It doesn’t amount to much, though, does it?”

“What do you mean?”

Ben says nothing, looking down at the spare coil he’d been playing with before his uncle had appeared and wishing he would just go away. He wasn’t offended by him the way he had been when he’d first started appearing, but he was just too weary to have the conversation Luke was trying to have just then.

“She cares about you, Ben.”

He rolled his eyes as he realized he wasn’t going to have a choice on the matter. He didn’t know how to respond, so he didn’t. Undaunted, Luke pressed,

“You don’t believe it?”

“Not the way I care about her,” Ben said with bruising finality, “She’s made that clear.”

“You’re right. That’s probably why she keeps letting you kiss her. Or maybe kissing doesn’t mean what it did in my day?”

Ben’s face burned and he narrowed his eyes at Luke, “Please...don’t.”

Luke stilled for a moment, taking Ben’s strained voice seriously as he looked at him. Finally, he sighed and said,

“Ben, she _cares_. She does. How you can doubt it at this point is beyond me.”

“I’m no more important to her than anything else,” Ben retorted, so caught up in his own emotions now that he didn’t even realize he was effectively discussing his most devastating weakness out loud to a man who used to be his mortal enemy.

“What would it take for her to prove that you’re important to her? Flying alone into enemy territory and allowing herself to get captured, cuffed and interrogated?”

Ben shook his head, “I…”

“Because come to think of it, she’s already hit that benchmark. And _she_ did it first.”

“Since when are _you_ one to give advice on this subject?” Ben snapped, avoiding the truth of Luke’s words by crawling back to hide in his ever-present anger, “You were a monk, and then after that you turned into a hermit. You have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Yeah, and even I can see that your views on love are terribly unhealthy.”

“I wonder how _that_ happened?” Ben snarled, and Luke only looked a little chagrined before he replied,

“You need time to figure it out, that’s all.”

Grimacing, he replied testily, “Can you _please_ stop talking to me about this?  And anyway, she’s going to drop me off and fly out of my life, Luke. There is no more time _.”_

“You share a Force bond,” Luke reminded him bluntly.

“I’m sure she’ll figure out how to break it sooner or later. She told me she was going to.”

Luke raised a brow at his churlishness and muttered, “I don’t think that’s how it works. And also, I’m starting to think you didn’t get the full run-down of the terms of your sentence, either, seeing how eager they probably were to get you off-planet.”

“People generally are,” Ben replied wryly, “Eager to get me off planet. And what do you mean, terms? I’m getting dumped on some hell-hole…”

“Ahch-To isn’t that bad,” Luke interrupted, his expression almost nostalgic, “There’s good seafood.”

“...and left alone. What’s there to explain?”

“You won’t be alone.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know,” Ben waved impatiently, “You’ll always be with me. Thanks, but you’re not helping.”

Luke smirked and replied, “Well, sure, but that’s not what I meant. I was talking about Rey.”

At this, Ben’s head snapped up and he demanded, “What do you mean?”

“This is the part they didn’t tell you, I guess,” Luke explained, “I’m sure Rey would have, but you gave her the cold-shoulder earlier and she’s trying to respect your boundaries.”

“My boundaries?”

“Yeah, those things people have that you don’t tend to be very good at respecting.”

Ignoring the jab, Ben asked incredulously, “Are you trying to tell me she’s planning on _staying_ with me?”

“Yes.”

It felt like the floor of the shuttle had dropped out from under him.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was written even before the last update, so I'm glad to be able to get it out in a timely manner for once! And the next chapter's half done, too, so hopefully sooner than later. Thanks for reading!


	15. Chapter Fifteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry it took so long to update this one. I guess you could call this my rambling fic - more about interactions than plot, I guess, as opposed to some of my others. I hope it's not boring.
> 
> Also, I've been working on this chapter for so long and editing it to death - I hope it's not too choppy, and sorry if there are any weird continuity errors!

How he managed to contain his questions until they landed on Ahch-To was beyond him. He wasn’t exactly a paragon of patience under normal circumstances, and these were definitely not normal circumstances - about to land on the planet he’d been permanently exiled to with the girl who’d apparently volunteered herself for the same fate because…

Well, that was the question he needed to ask her. For reasons he didn’t fully understand, he had wanted to wait until they were on firm ground first - maybe so that, if the confrontation went badly, she couldn’t change her mind and simply push him out of the airlock.

Or maybe it was because he didn’t want to force the only person in the galaxy that he cared about to analyze her reasons for wanting to be anywhere near him for an extended period of time while they were in  _that_ ship.

It had been the setting of enough of the many emotional injuries he’d suffered in the past, and he didn’t relish the idea of adding any new ones.

He stood, leaning against the door of the cockpit as she brought the ship down on a rocky plane beside the tumultuous sea of Ahch-To. The rain battered the viewport and he could see black clouds on the horizon.

The place looked absolutely miserable.

“I can see why they thought this place was fitting,” he muttered, scowling.

“Because the weather matches your personality?” she offered innocently, and he turned his frown on her as she pacified, “Don’t worry, it’s not always like this. The planet has two suns.”

Flashing back to the brief time he’d spent on Tatooine with Luke back when he was a padawan, Ben grimaced and replied, “Of course it does.”

“Hmm?

“Nothing,” he grumbled, turning and striding away, “Let’s just go. I want to get off this damn ship.”

She didn’t say anything as she obligingly lowered the ramp, letting him disembark and allowing him a moment of privacy to take in his new home before she joined him. He felt her come up beside him and sighed.

“Who the hell would choose to live here?”

Rey hesitated, he could feel her uneasiness in the Force. It set his teeth on edge.

“He was punishing himself. For what happened that night - with you.”

Ben turned to look down at her, his brow furrowed.

“What?”

She met his eyes and replied, “Luke.”

He stared for a moment before shaking his head and saying a bit too harshly, “I wasn’t talking about Luke.”

She frowned now, confused, and ventured, “Sorry, I thought…”

“I was talking about  _you.”_

She looked taken aback for about two seconds before schooling her expression into a semblance of calm as she asked, “Who told you? Poe?”

Ben snorted and drawled, “Let’s just say it was divine intervention.”

She squinted, then her eyes went wide as she whispered, “You mean...Luke? He’s still...”

“Answer my question,” he commanded gently, "Why?"

She crossed her arms in front of her and replied, “I figured if you were going to have to go into exile, a place that’s strong with the Force might be good for you. I thought we could…”

“I know why I’m here,” he interrupted, losing his patience and unsure if she was being deliberately obtuse or not, “Why are  _you_ here?”

She stiffened, and then feigned nonchalance before muttering, “I have to say, it’s getting a bit old - people asking me that question whenever I come to this planet.”

“That’s not an answer,” he replied, stepping towards her.

She sighed, the asked gently, “What is it you want to hear, Ben?”

“The truth. Luke told me that you offered up your freedom. That you told them you’d stay here with me, in exile, if they agreed not to execute me.”

To her credit, she didn’t bother to deny it, at least not completely.

“I realize your information comes from a ghost, who probably seems like he’d be omniscient, but that’s not exactly how it happened, no.”

“Then tell me,” he insisted darkly, “How did it go? How did they force you into taking a punishment you didn’t earn?”

“No one forced me into anything.”

“Then why?” he snapped, “Why would you commit to this?”

She wasn’t looking at him now, clearly a bit flustered at the confrontation as she began, “For one thing, someone has to see to your needs. You can’t leave the planet, so someone has to make supply runs, send updates…”

“I’m a big boy,” he countered, folding his arms across his chest, “I can handle myself. I don’t need you here.”

A flash of hurt crossed her face, but she rallied.

“They wanted you to have a guard. It was the only way to get everyone to agree to this. I’m the only other Force-user who comes close to you in terms of...of ability, and…”

“Just because you’re my equal in the Force doesn’t mean you should feel obligated to give up your life to  _babysit_ me in exile!” he hissed, his emotions so all over the place he barely knew which one was in the pilot’s seat, “You can’t help how you were born...”

“These are the terms of the agreement,” she said definitively, “There’s no point in arguing about this now. Besides, do you really want me to leave you here alone?”

“Do you really want to stay?”

That was it - the crux of what he was really asking her. He knew he was being combative and inflammatory, but he couldn’t help it. Half of him was infuriated that they’d somehow gotten her to agree to this, wanted her to take the damn ship and go - and the other half was desperate to hear her say that a part of her wanted to be there with him. Had  _chosen_ it - that was what his uncle had implied, but Ben wouldn’t let himself believe it until he heard it from her.

Rey, for her part, seemed torn on what she should reveal. Arms still crossed, she wandered the few steps to the cliff edge, gazing out at the grey sea before replying,

“I want a lot of things.”

Slowly, cautiously, he took a few steps toward her and demanded gently, “Tell me.”

She shook her head, her shoulders rising and falling as she breathed in the salty breeze, “I dreamed of this island. This  _place_. It was my refuge on all those lonely nights, when the hunger and despair were so bad that I couldn’t even sleep.”

She glanced over her shoulder at him and added with a wan smile, “It’s what you saw. When you looked inside my head, on Starkiller…”

He winced, and she went silent for a moment to let the sting of that memory pass before continuing softly, “I came to this place with a lot of hope. Hope of finding something - answers about my parents, about myself. Anything. Even just with the hope of finding something to hope  _for_ , but by the time I left I was disillusioned. I vowed I’d never come back here.”

He closed the distance between them, gratified when she didn’t shrink away as she felt him come up behind her. He itched to reach out and touch her, but he didn’t. He simply stated,

“And now you  _are_ back. Indefinitely.”

“Yes.”

He sighed, watching as his breath tickled the wispy hairs behind her ear - he hadn’t really realized he was that close, and he watched her shiver as she realized it, too.

“I want you to take the Falcon and go. I don’t want you to throw your life away because…”

“You don’t understand,” she intoned, turning so that she was facing him, so close he could see the kaleidoscope of colors in her irises even in the bleak light the planet offered them, “I want to be here. I want to reframe this place, to build different memories here. Better ones. I want  _my_ island back.”

His lips curled up as he rumbled, “And so your plan for accomplishing this is to live here in exile with an angry, volatile and emotionally compromised war criminal?”

She huffed and didn’t take the bait as she replied solemnly, “My plan is to live here with  _you._ I think - I think I could learn to love this place again. With you here.”

Whatever else he was going to say flew from his brain as her words wrapped around his heart and squeezed as tightly as if she’d jammed her hand right through his ribcage. Knowing he had failed in his attempt to make her see the light and leave him - and overjoyed that he had - he brought his hands up to cup her face.

“Rey…” he breathed, moving to kiss her and stopping abruptly as she placed her hands on his wrists and ducked her head.

“Ben…”

“What?”

She seemed to wrestle with herself for a moment, then finally she met his eyes and finished, “I think we both need some time for self-reflection.”

“I don’t,” he countered guilelessly, threading his fingers into her soft hair, “I had enough of that on Rattatak.”

“Still…”

“What's stopping you?” he asked, fighting the incredibly strong urge to just grab her and crush her to him until she understood his burning need for her to just give in to what was between them, “Why tell me all these things, why admit you want to  _live_  with me if you’re still going to pull away?”

Instead of answering directly, she asked a question of her own, “Why did  _you_ come crashing down on Rattatak when you knew the entire Rebellion was stationed there and you’d probably be arrested and hauled to a prison cell?”

He leaned back, affronted, and blurted, “I didn’t  _crash_.”

She raised a brow, unimpressed with the deflection.

He knew exactly why he’d gone to Rattatak, and he knew that  _she_ knew. He’d gone there for her and her alone, with no other agenda. He didn’t care if they couldn’t be together in the way he wanted them to be right away, as long as she was near him. It was better than dying of hopeless longing all the way across the galaxy.

Or, he’d thought it would be, until they brought in the stupid ysalamiri.

He released her, blowing out a breath and scrubbing his hand over his face, but before he could speak he felt her hand on his. He looked at her, and her eyes were pleading with him.

“I’m not used to change, Ben. After an entire life of waiting, I just need some time. When we were on Rattatak, and you were locked up in that cave and I was trying so hard to figure out how to keep them from killing you - when I thought I could lose you, it was so overwhelming. I'm not saying I don't want to continue what we started, I just...I need a little time.”

Not wanting to push her but also drowning in his own desperation, he asked, “Days? Months? Years?”

She smiled slightly and replied, “Not years, no.”

It was better than nothing. He drew a breath and simply said the only thing he could trust himself to say.

“Well, I’m not going anywhere.”

Her expression softened, her beautiful hazel eyes glowing in the dying firelight as she whispered back, “Neither am I.”

They stared at each other, everything they were feeling shared through their bond, until finally she inclined her head at the stone steps that wound around the island and said, “Let’s get our stuff up to the huts.”

He curled his lip in response, “Huts?”

A small smirk graced her face as she bent to pick up her supply pack.

“What did you expect? A palace?”

Pushing past him, she led the way up the steps. He stood there, staring after her, for a long time. Finally, sighing and throwing his own pack on, he followed her lead.

He’d follow her anywhere - he was done watching her walk away from him. He knew he should try harder to convince her not to waste her potential by chaining herself to him like this, but he was a selfish man.

So he didn’t.

 

~~

 

It was a few hours later when Ben decided that if he was going to be there for the rest of his mortal existence, he might as well start getting to know the kriffing planet a bit. Rey had said something about something she needed to do and had told him to scope out the island while she was gone.

Anything was better than sitting in his dark, wet hut.

He decided to simply follow the stairs to the summit of the cliff and see what was there. The climb was tougher than he’d anticipated, and by the time he got to the top he was more winded than he would have been comfortable admitting. Wincing at his burning quadriceps, he decided he’d slacked on his physical training for too long now and would have to get back to it first thing in the morning. Maybe Rey would train with him.

Pushing these musings aside, he crept carefully forward and soon found he was entering what seemed to be a millenia-old temple which had also been carved out of the cave. He wouldn’t have even realized it was a temple if it weren’t for the mosaic medallion in the center of the floor, and the tabernacle-like stone on the ledge that jutted out of an opening at the front. He could see the sun beginning to peek through the clouds, shafts of light streaking across the sky.

He ventured further inside, and he could immediately feel the Force wrap around him, somehow more concentrated than he’d ever felt it before - like the difference between air and pure oxygen. That, and it felt strangely as if there was a presence - multiple presences - in the room with him. He closed his eyes and reached out…

...and mentally collided with Rey.

His eyes snapped open and there she was - or, rather, her projection through their bond. She was holding a spear of some kind in her hands, and her hair and clothes were soaked.

“What are you doing?” he asked, once again delighted that their bond still saw fit to flare up even though they were less than a mile away from each other, and she shrugged,

“Fishing.”

Ben couldn’t help the smile that tugged at his lips as he retorted, “ _You_ know how to fish?”

She frowned, “Why is that so shocking?”

“Because,” he replied slowly, as though she was dense, “You grew up in a desert.”

“So?” she argued, swiping at her forehead and swaying a bit, obviously caught in a strong gust of wind, “I  _do_ have the ability to learn new things, you know. Luke taught me.”

He was about to respond but was beaten to it by the man himself as he appeared beside him and piped up wryly, “I wouldn’t say I taught her, actually. She watched me do it once or twice, and that’s it.”

Smirking and feeling a rare moment of solidarity with his uncle as he called Rey out on her fib, Ben turned to her and accused, “You’re exaggerating, aren’t you?”

“Why would you think that?” she countered, clearly annoyed as she braced her legs and readied herself for - well, whatever she was about to do.

“I have my sources,” he replied, and her eyes narrowed as she seemed to realize just who his ‘source’ must be. Scowling, she waved a hand at him and snapped,

“Go away. I’m trying to concentrate.”

“I’d do as she says,” Luke said, cutting off Ben’s retort, “She’ll fall off the ledge onto the rocks if she loses focus.”

The camaraderie was abruptly gone as Ben’s stomach dropped and he whirled to pin Luke with a furious glare before turning back to Rey and barking, “Are you standing on the edge of a cliff?”

“No.”

“Yep,” Luke differed, “The ledge is about a foot wide and it’s a fifty-foot drop. But I’m sure she’s fine. She watched me do it. Once. And anyway, I’m sure she’ll figure out the swimming thing, if she misses the rocks…”

Ben was spinning around and barreling out of the temple before Luke could even finish. He thought he heard a chuckle and decided as he threw himself down the steep steps as quickly as he could without killing himself that he absolutely  _hated_ this planet already.

He followed her Force signature and finally caught up with her as she was striding across the grassy hillside with a massive fish slung over her shoulders. He skidded to a stop in front of her, his boots kicking up wet mud, but he didn’t care as he practically shouted,

“What the hell were you thinking?”

She blinked at him and replied evenly, “That I was hungry, and maybe you were too? And that we could eat fish?”

He ran a hand over his face, forcing himself to calm down. She was fine, it was  _fine_.

“Next time, ask me for help.”

“I didn’t need your help.”

“And I don’t need yours,” he shot back, “But you’re still here, insisting I take it. Needing it isn’t the point and you know it.”

She stilled, then tutted and continued walking right past him and toward the huts. He followed, his long strides easily keeping pace with her hurried ones, effectively beating her to their destination. Wordlessly, she began to gut the fish while he worked on making a fire in his hut, assuming they’d eat together but not daring to make any assumptions beyond that.

In the end they had a pleasant, if contemplative and mostly silent, meal together. Ben had to admit that the fish was delicious, which wasn’t what he’d expected by the look of the thing. Then again, there were a great many ugly creatures who turned out to be delicious when cooked and eaten.

Han Solo had taught him that.

Suddenly hit with a wave of bone-deep exhaustion at the thought of his father and beyond tired of playing guessing games, Ben allowed himself to ask the question that had been on his mind all through dinner.

“Will you be staying in one of the other ones? Huts, I mean?”

She shrugged, sounding as tired as he felt as she replied, “It might be best, I suppose, don't you think?”

His eyes snapped to her and he asked, “It's up for discussion?”

She met his gaze and replied, “I don’t know. I...I’m not…”

“I’m not trying to push you,” he quickly assured her, unable to stop the roiling of his gut as he realized that maybe she didn’t want to leave, “But I just want you to know that I - I’m here. If you decide you don’t want to sleep alone.”

She held his eyes for a long moment before she nodded, and the moment reminded him strongly of another moment they’d shared, spent on a rainy night what seemed like ages ago, with her in a dank hut just like this and reaching for each other across the stars.

He’d told her she wasn’t alone then, too.

It wasn’t long after that exchange that she bid him a quiet goodnight and retreated to her own hut, leaving him to curl up on his bedroll and wish for things he couldn’t have.

As if she’d heard his thoughts, she crept back into his hut a few moments later, clad in sleep clothes and clutching a standard-issue blanket around her shoulders. Hesitating for only a beat as he watched her intently, she slowly dropped down beside him and spread out on his bedroll beside him, sighing softly. Without thinking twice about it, he rolled over and threw his arm around her waist, reveling in her gasp as he hauled her back against his body and placed a chaste kiss on the sensitive spot directly below her ear.

She shuddered, then Ben heard her sniffle a little just before she confessed in a shy whisper, "I've never slept next to someone before. I never trusted anybody enough."

Pride and overwhelming tenderness surged through him at her admission, unable to believe that of all the beings in the galaxy she would give this privilege to  _him,_  and it was all he could do to reply in a trembling voice, "Thank you."

The words were too basic, to simple, to express all he felt but he could feel her acceptance and understanding through the bond - which was singing. Her warmth was intoxicating and, just so she didn’t get the wrong idea about his expectations, he followed another lingering kiss to her neck with a reverent,

“Goodnight, Rey.”

She threaded her fingers through his and pulled his hand to her lips, lightly kissing his knuckles in return and making him shiver before pulling his arm back around her middle as she breathed,

“Goodnight, Ben.”

In spite of the rain and the chill and the repressed, throbbing want that still clawed at his guts at the press of her body against his and the deep intimacy of this moment, Ben Solo soon fell into the deepest, most contented sleep he’d had in nearly a decade.

When they woke up the next morning, still tangled up together as they blinked the remnants of sleep away and met each other’s gazes in the bright sunlight that now streamed into the hut, they both knew.

It didn’t really matter how everything would progress in the coming days, weeks or years. It didn’t matter if they both spent the rest of their lives on that strange, otherworldly planet, eating fish and suffering through rainstorms. It didn't matter what ghosts haunted them from their pasts.

Neither of them would ever sleep alone again.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, thanks for sticking with this one, folks. Not much left to go - maybe two chapters, which I'll try to get out quickly because even rambling fics can't ramble forever. Part of the delay was struggling with how to wrap this one up, and I think I've got it down now in my head.
> 
> Thanks for reading! Follow me on Tumblr if you want - I'm emmyjeanb.


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